My self-discipline
has taken an interesting turn. At least,
it seems like it has turned, really its just the recycling of old habits that I
have solidified into myself over time.
My self-discipline is really no longer here it seems.
I find myself faced
with many 'small' choices in my day to day, and whenever I get into that 'decision making' zone, I see
myself absently abdicating my choice to self-interest.
For example, I'll be
faced with the choice of completing a task I've been meaning to do or playing a
cell phone video game, and it occurs to me that, 'hey, I could complete such
and such task that I have been meaning to do, or I could learn about this or
develop myself this way or that'.
Instead of making the choice to do those things, I just say to myself
'no, I'm just going to do this procrastinating activity, as long as I
can'. And hours and hours will go by,
that will just be completely absorbed into this game. That's how things just don't get done. I just waste time away, through escaping into
my cell phone.
Sometimes I ask
myself 'why not just stop playing this video-game and doing these tasks in the
moment, and there is like no response at all.
Just emptiness, and then the status quo choice is made. What if I could always just be that voice
back and stand up in the moment to do those tasks? What would happen. I resist it, and I fear it. I look at it like I'm going down this dark
unknown path, like I'm moving out of my comfort zone. So now it is time to commit to myself to make
that decision to be the voice and to walk down that unknown road to see what
would happen.
No more reaching for the escape and more of
doing the tasks that are required to get done, no matter the resistance in the
moment. Pushing through the resistance
is happening in all moments, and making the decision here present on how much I
will spend 'escaping', if any time at all.
