Day 6 - Deception and Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk with any type of integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use deception in self-interest to achieve goals that I have set out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lend my services of deception to others in order to honor their self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in aiding and abbedding others self interest I am actually acting in self-interest and not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that when I am aiding and abbedding someone elses self-interest, I am in fact acting out of fear in the fear of not pleasing my parter, which shows that I do not live within equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am acting in love towards my partner in  aiding and abedding my partner to help achieve her self-interested goal, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it is done in fact out of my own accepted and allowed fear of my partner 'not getting what she wants' and thus being 'upset'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'my partner appearing to be stressed and upset'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to connect the thought of my partner appearing to be stressed and upset, and the negative emotion of fear.

I forgive myslef that I havnt accepted and allowed myself to stand stable in myself when my partner does get stressed and upset.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have accepted and allowed myslef to get stressed and upset and outwardly project this onto others, causing others discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to suppress experience another being upset through trying to please another.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I people please in fear of that person being upset, I may contain it for the moment, however it does not mean that it will actually go away, as I will simply just supress it for the moment as it still exists within and as myself.

I commit myself to stop pretending in order to decieve and manipulate a situation for anothers self-interest.

I see/realize/understand that when I 'choose sides' and assist another to achieve their self-interested goals, and believe I am doing it in Love, I am actually doing it in self-interest/fear/separation within myself.

I see/realize/understand that in 'choosing sides', I am actually choosing separation/fear and opening the door for self-abuse.

I commit myself to stop the fear and choose only life and what is best for all in the moment.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of 'upsetting' my partner or not helping her to get her self-interested desires’, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that when I shift into a character that does things to try to appease my partner, I am actually moving in fear and separation from myself.

I see/realize/understand that when I move in fear, I move in my own self-interest and separation.

I see/realize/understand that the actual experience of my partner being ‘upset and mad’ is not actually an experience of fear.

I see/realize/understand that fearing a thought is fearing myself and blatant separation and abuse in my world.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the fear of the thought of my partner being upset.

Day 5 – Being unshakeable for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in a form of unshakeability for life day in and day out.

I forgive myself that  I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being unshakeable within oneself means being the self-directive principle at all times and doing what is best for life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop standing here as life as what is best for all, so that my self-interest can be full-filled as the mind and consequences can be perpetuated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the consequences that I create for myself and others in my world will just go away if I ignore them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not being unshakeable in the face of self-interest by deluding myself into believing that there will be no consequences for myself and this world if I don’t stand for life in every moment and every breath unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to gift to myself the opportunity to life through standing unshakeable in the wake of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time and time again choose self-interest over gifting life to myself through standing unshakeable in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘things seem well and stable at the moment, so I can probably take a break from being self-directive and self-honest’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in even allowing this thought as my beingness, shows how I am still of the mind and not in fact being self-directive or self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for an end to all of this ‘work’ of self-honesty, self-movement in writing, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that in looking for an end to all of this is in fact myself paving the way for me to give up.

When and as I see myself starting to give in to self-interest through preferring ‘not to write myself to freedom’, instead of being the self-directive principle and honoring life and doing what must be done in the moment.  I stop and I breathe, and move myself in all moments to do what must be done.

I see/realize/understand that the only choice in this matter is to do what is best for all and in moving myself to self-honesty and the self-directive principle I am making a choice for life.

I see/realize/understand that when I accept and allow self-interest to halt my movement, I am not life and am simply caught within my own mind, which will result in consequences.

I see/realize/understand that the belief held where consequences will just go away or not form if I ignore them, is in fact a fail-safe creation of the mind designed to delude me into justifying giving in to self-interest that will only serve the mind in the end in the acceptance of the abandonment of life.

I see/realize/understand that holding the belief that ‘if I’m okay, then everything else is okay’ and I don’t need to move myself shows that I am in a state of brainwashing I have and how I am not life at all, because the reality is that no one is free, until all are free.

I see/realize/understand that when I look for an end to all of the writing, self-honesty, moving and pushing myself for what must be done for what is best for all, I am creating a nice trap for myself in allowing myself to indulge in the illusions of an end to self-honesty and the self-directive principle in what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts surrounding the being of self-honesty and self-moving in what is best for all, and instead remain here in breath pushing until all are free.

I commit myself to move myself unshakeably in what is best for all, until are free.

I commit myself to always make the choice for life and standing as the unshakeable life that is here.

I commit myself to always stand unshakeable for life in the wake of self-interest eternally and move myself in all moments to do what must be done.

I commit myself to wake up and stop the belief that consequences for life will not manifest if I ignore them in the realization that this thought/belief is not life and was simply created as an excuse to justify why I should not move for life.

Day 4 - Bernard, the unshakeable

Bernard passed away a few days ago and to reflect on some of my memories and past experiences, it’s really a mixed bag.  I read so many heartfelt responses to his death and such beautiful kind words towards the way that he lived his life, which is quite impressive from my perspective.

I remember first hearing Bernard’s raspy hard voice, and it pricked me in a way, because I have always been fascinated with sounds and especially the sounds of others voices, but this one was so different.  His was this hard piercing, raspy voice that hit you hard, nothing like what I’d had ever experienced; mostly though because of the words that he said and the unshakeable conviction that he held in each and every sound of it. 

He talked about things that nobody talked about and said things that nobody in their right mind would ever say.  And the reason that people didn’t say those things is because you didn’t shake things up.  People know not to shake things up with others, because it doesn’t make you any friends and people start to get upset and turn against the source of the shaking.  But you can’t shake back the unshakeable, and that’s what Bernard did.  Shake people, to wake them up.  The status quo and rampant abuse in this world was getting shaken up, and he was doing it simply with words.  Incredible.  Incredible how the rattling just with using certain words in certain places.

I did not get to meet Bernard personally, and always feared it somehow, which really showed my own self-dishonesty within myself, as I was showing myself that I was not doing enough for this world, like he did.  I feared how he would tear me to shreds simply through his words.  Really he would just hurt my ego, which somehow I describe as being ripped to shreds.

At one point, paranoia struck me and I really started to believe that I was being scammed out of my money through the DIP course and other ways I would support Desteni and Destonians financially, which is ironic because the DIP course helped me to see the dishonesty in this and really supported and assist me in clearing myself to pave the way for a world that is best for all.  I imagined Bernard not doing anything for humanity because I didn’t see it with my own eyes, and even though I had never made the effort to go to the farm to meet him, I still judged him and made up a story in my mind about him.  Even though there is no actual proof of any of this.  I just make shit up by getting ideas through brutal news articles or movies and books.  I justified my idea’s/thoughts/imaginations because I could not fathom that there could be a man out there that will literally do everything that they could possibly do for this world to stop the abuse.  Probably because I am so abusive within myself.  My desires to full-fill my self-interest seem unshakeable, and I give away my unshakeable beingness to something separate from myself that I see as unshakeable.  I now accept and allow myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with my world, and when I see an unshakeable desire within myself, I can be that unshakeable as well, yet unshakeable here as life and the support of it in what is best for all.  That is what Bernard has shown me through his living example, that will always remain unshakeable.  Gifting self back to self to really live what is best for all.

Even though I have let my paranoia get the best of me, Bernards resolve in sorting out this world’s mess has paved the way for me to do the same.  And it makes sense clearly to me when others have said that although Bernard as an individual being is gone, Bernard as who and what he stood for will always remain.  His example has been engrained and etched within the walls of myself for eternity.  We will move together and ‘get this done’, one step at a time, breath by breath.

Day 3 - Shame and Supression of STD's

     

At one point I had Chlamydia and took medication for it.  I felt shame and sadness from loss of my apparent purity for that experience happening to me.  I don’t seem to suffer from any symptoms anymore, but haven’t been tested lately. My partner was tested recently, and she was cleared, so I assume I was clear too.  I will plan to get tested soon.  If I test positive for anything, I would feel dirty/used up and ‘less than’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the memory of having Chlamydia and the negative emotion of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed embarrassment in myself when discussing my experiences of having Chlamydia with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘my friends changing the way that they look at me to one of disgust and disrespect if they knew that I had Chlamydia once’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘my friends changing the way that they look at me to one of disgust and disrespect if they knew that I had Chlamydia at one point in time’, and the negative emotion of fear’, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my fear and embarrassment of bringing my experience with Chlamydia to awareness will only serve to suppress the issue further and create future consequences by preventing it from being understood and directed effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide a part of myself away, so that I could save face and give others the impression that they are less than me as an untouchable god that always lives the good life with no problems, so that I can feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self-interest ahead of what is best for all using self-denial and suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and suppress the fact that I have had an STD before, so that I could deceive myself into believing that I was better than a group of people in the world that I had defined as less than for having an STD.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with the group of people that has STD’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself from someone that has had an STD or has an STD, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that person as and within and when I judge that person as less than I am in fact placing judgment on myself and creating fear and separation within myself, and thus the whole shit train that goes along with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider another person that has an STD as equal to and one with me as another part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

When and as I see myself go into embarrassment in knowing that someone else knows that I had Chlamydia at one point in time, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I observe my physical and remain here.

I see/realize/understand that in going into embarrassment, I am actually fearing the thought of people changing the way that they judge me, and see/realize/understand that even if they did change the way that they view me, nothing would change in the physical and the moments experience would not be an experience of fear and separation if in the physical here.

I see/realize/understand that in going into embarrassment, I am actually fearing change within my world, and in that creating separation and more consequences.

I see/realize/understand that in acting in self-interest by hiding the fact that I have had Chlamydia through fear, I am trying to give off the impression that I am elite and better than others that also have STD’s, and I then I can say ‘I am better than that group of people with STD’s because I am denial that I have had those’.

I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with all in the world; those that have had an STD and those that haven’t, and the fact that I have had an STD is the outflow consequence that I have created upon myself through my own acceptances and allowances in this world.

I see/realize/understand that in remaining in fear and separation of not changing I will not change within myself and thus accept the separation.

I see/realize/understand that in remaining in the moment in the physical, I stop the separation and create the change in myself that contributes to a change in the world that is best for all.

I see/realize/understand that there are many others in the world that have also had this experience of having Chlamydia, and in accepting and allowing fear to exist, the topic remains repressed and thus creates more physical consequences through not bringing the point to awareness to be understood and directed effectively that is best for all.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the fear of change, and in fact change through bringing the awareness to the physical by focusing on my breathe and physical body.

I commit myself to bring an end to the separation within my world through supporting myself to change to what is best for all and stopping the embarrassment of once having Chlamydia.

I commit myself to do what I would do for myself as another and stand as a pillar of life through stopping the fear of bringing awareness to others of my own experience of sexually transmitted diseases to help understand and direct the point effectively for the benefit of all.

When and as I see myself go into judgment of another person with an STD, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment focused on the physical as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that person that I see has an STD, as they are a part of myself from my memory that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I see/realize/understand that I have also had Chlamydia once from poor decision making and have taken the consequences also, so can relate and understand that one has fallen into consequence just like I have in my past.