Day 18 - Escaping through video games

 

It has always felt like I am addicted to the things that allow me to escape from reality.  These days it’s the game ‘Candy Crush’ that takes me away for hours.  I just want to get to the next level and to move through the game so that I can get to the end.  Like a constant pushing, and if I ask myself why I want to push through, it’s like there is no answer.  It’s just to ‘beat the level’ and the faster I move through the levels, the more comfortable it feels.  If I get stuck on a level, and I am not playing the game, my thought goes right to it, and I imagine opening up the program and playing it.  Within this thought it is a subtle comfortable feeling that compels me to do exactly what I imagine myself doing.

In the past it was the same thing with other video games.  Constantly playing, and while my physical body barely moved, with just a few eye movements and controlled twitches from my thumbs, I would play for hours and hours, constantly feeding my appetite for ‘winning’.  The more winning, and progressing through the levels I did, the better I felt.  With each level, I notice that there were always a couple of goals.  One was to obviously achieve the main goal of getting past the level with enough points; and then the secondary goal was to try to achieve a certain amount of points, which would give you stars.  These stars are what I always would try to strive for as well.  It wasn’t enough to simply do the minimum.  Getting extra stars always made me feel that much more special.  It gave me a sense of superior accomplishment.  And I somewhat took pride in this.

I am somewhat embarrassed about spending hours and hours playing a game, and feel that I miss out on other things I could have done, like spending time with family/friends, or taking the dogs for a walk, or doing process.  And there is even some guilt in playing these games and not doing all that I can do for myself in what is best for all.

I remember my former roommate would spend hours and hours on a weekend trying to beat a game, and I would judge him for it.  I would think, ‘look at him – he spends all week working just so that he can escape into a videogame on the weekend.  He sits there inside on the couch when it is beautiful outside.  He misses out on life – and for that he is less than.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my former roommate is missing out ‘on life’ by playing video games all weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as less than, those that spend hours and hours playing video games all of the time, in the belief that ‘they are missing out on life’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as inferior for playing video games, I am actually judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as less than, for playing video games for hours and hours, shows that I act in fear and separation and am therefore not life at all, and am only directed within it through the force of self-interested fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I ‘don’t play video-games’ out of fear of missing out on life, I am in fact moving out of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle in what is best for all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination of opening up the program and playing video games, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle and decide for myself when I play video games and for how long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I play video games for not doing other things that I think that I should be doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve into video games when I want to avoid responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life would be like if I followed through on my responsibilities all of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that carrying out responsibilities is not actually that bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, and the negative emotion of fear.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I carry out my responsibilities, they do not ever give me a negative experience, and can be quite enjoyable.

Day 17 - Believing in my 'gut feel' and runaway thoughts (opinionated character)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly place my FAITH in the religion of myself, without taking into consideration common sense and investigating things for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate to the fullest in the physical for definitive evidence everything that I have ever waged an opinion on through ‘gut feel’ and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that ‘things are not always what they appear to be in my mind’ as I have showed countless times, time and time again through imagining what other people that I haven’t met look like, or blaming others for their ill-intentions, only to find out that I was wrong, and ASS-U-ME-D my thoughts were correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ASS-U-ME the worst all of the time and dive into a frenzy of paranoia, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the opinion that I push onto myself and accept and allow within myself is simply an opinion and does not have any valid bearing in this physical word, but simply shows the extent of abuse that I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allow myself to see/realize/understand why it is that I accept and allow baseless ‘opinions’ to ‘MAKE-UP’ my beingness as a particular character.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the character that I am trying to protect through the fueling of my ruthless/ever-churning secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ‘Opinionated’ / ‘Blame’ / ‘Judgment’ characters to exist within myself as the prime example of the pure evil that I accept and allow within myself.

When and as I see myself take on an opinion of something through thoughts/backchat/gut-feel beliefs – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am – I see/realize/understand that I am in the process of acting out the ‘Opinionated Character’ in complete disregard to all that exist within my world.  I see/realize/understand that this character is adamant that it is ‘right’ and has the ‘right’ to believe that it is ‘Right’ through the narrow and limited viewpoint that I see the world in.  I see/realize/understand that in formulating an unwaivering opinion, through inventing a story, especially if it is accusatory and defaming towards others, is the opposite of life and shows the self-interested nature that I accept and allow in the moment.  I commit myself to stop these thoughts and take the time to investigate exactly what it is that I am protecting through the secret mind, through playing the opinionated character.  I commit myself to drop / ‘let go’ of my opinion, and stop any new formulation of opinions, without further examining actual proof, instead of re-Lying on a specific set of information from one source/viewpoint or my own baseless ‘Thoughts’ / ‘Backchat’.  I commit myself to walk in the wake of common sense here as that is what is best for all.

Day 16 - Publishing Blogs on the Net

I type my name into google, and find that what pops out is a link to a place where you can find most of my posted blogs.  To me, this is a problem.  My blogs are fairly intimate and allow people to look deep within myself on points of self-reflection.  My blogs represent almost a secret diary where I express my fears and weaknesses.  Having this all available to the outside world, I get scared of who can and would read it.  Mostly the fear is in relation to – what if my boss or someone wishing to give me a job offer looks at it?  My fear is that I will ‘miss out’ on an opportunity for a certain career and ultimately that I will ‘miss-out’ on making money.  As if someone is going to Google my name / read my blogs and then base their decision of hiring/firing me on what they read and how they interpret it or feel about what I wrote.

 Also, I believe that their opinion of my blogs will be that of disgust or fear towards it.  I see that this was something that I would like to investigate, because the decision to take down all of my blogs would also mean that others that are not related to the outcome of my career will in a sense ‘miss-out’ as well in being able to see inside another person and know that someone else has the exact same fear as them.  In this sense, they may be able to see problems that they are facing from a different perspective and get some insight in how to change this.  At the very least they could take comfort in the fact of knowing they are not alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘missing out’ on a career opportunity or making money, within the thought of someone googling my name and finding all of my blogs – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that those that hold the fate of my career would base their decision on ‘how they felt’ when reading my blogs, which would be in the negative, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that most people involved in hiring are more interested in what my actual credentials and previous work experience is.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that even if I did get fired from my job or ‘missed out’ on an opportunity, the current economy situation in my region is that of abundance and would most likely be able to find a new opportunity.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the rules and policy’s at the company that I work for surrounding dismissal, would not allow for a dismissal based on the opinions and judgments of another when reading a blog as it would leave an opening for ‘wrongful dissmissal’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider whether or not my blogs go against company rules and policies for dismissal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing out on a career opportunity to dictate my expression and ultimately the publishing of my blogs, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directive principle and use common sense in making a decision of whether or not to publish my blogs.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of publishing a blog – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I  am – I see/realize/understand that employers are not so much interested in the personal lives of individuals and really interested in credentials and past work experience.  I see/realize/understand that by publishing my blogs, another person is given the opportunity to see honest self-reflection from another individual that may be supportive to their own lives.  I see/realize/understand that there are many opportunities in the world and ‘missing-out’ on a career opportunity does not necessarily have to be a ‘bad thing’, as the value of life is not based in career opportunities.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the fear of publishing blogs, by remaining here and breathing in the moment when I see fear arises.

I commit myself to use practical common sense and consider others when deciding whether or not to publish something on the internet.

Day 15 - The people pleaser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character of the ‘people pleaser’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for all, in all moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self-interest of pleasing others, instead of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I put my own self-interest of people pleasing ahead of doing what is best for all, I am in fact abusing others as myself in this life and manifesting consequences.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the moments of when I go into a people pleasing mode in the name of self-interest, in order to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a people pleasing character is a harmless character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify keeping the ‘people pleasing’ character around through the belief that it is harmless, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the people pleasing character is not only limiting to self and others, but also acts as a pre-occupation and deterrent to sorting out the mess in this world, because the ‘people pleaser’ will always avoid looking for any solutions and constantly try to manipulate and divert away from what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the prolonging of the abuse and suffering in this world through the acceptance and allowance of the people pleasing character, instead of accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for all always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self abuse and the abuse of others in this world through people pleasing, just so that I can avoid conflict, which is actually the direction I must take in order to get to know myself and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of being in conflict and feeling ‘out of control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of being in conflict and feeling out of control, and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid conflict out of fear of changing to that what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to walk through conflict and separation that I have created, in order to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give all authority up to my mind in self-interest, instead of doing what is best for all as myself.

When and as I see myself playing the people pleasing character and looking to avoid conflict, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that in avoiding conflict, as the people pleaser character, I am placing limitations on myself and others in the forcing of a beingness within a narrow set of parameters, that I believe to be life, when it is actually just living within an addiction to fear within myself in order to perpetuate a false sense of self in self-interest.

I see/realize/understand that the people pleasing character is in fact a great abuser in this life, as it will constantly try to manipulate and deceive to divert one from facing conflict and doing what is best for all.

I see/realize/understand that in avoiding conflict, I am in fact avoiding the facing of myself and what I have accepted and allowed in self-interest.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the people pleasing character, through remaining here in the moment as the expression of who I am in breath within the physical.

I commit myself to face myself as the conflict/separation that I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to support myself when walking through the conflict through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and physically through remaining here within breath.

Day 14 - Taking things personally

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that My partner is being condescending and trying to be better than me my projecting a certain attitude of smugness and attempt at dominance, by ‘telling me how it is’ according to her personal opinion that I disagree with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that until there is an agreement in what is best for all, neither opinion is what is best for all and are just opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner told me ‘the dogs don’t listen to you’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define superiority within ‘being alpha’ in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see someone appear to disrespect me or try to put me down.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with the interpretations in my reality and I actually create inferiority and take things personally through my own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the consequences that I create in taking something personally in that I will then go into an energy instead of supporting and assisting myself to stop the condescendence by removing myself from the participation of it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider my partner and what she may be going through in appearing to abuse me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to put myself in my partner’s shoes to find out what she may be going through, that might cause condescendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and then go into blame of my partner for apparently making me feel this way, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that it was my choice that created the way that I feel.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to support my partner by supporting myself to stop taking things personally in self-interest of the ego and remaining stable here.

When and as I see myself take offence to or take something my partner says personally and as what I think is an attack, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that in ‘taking things personally’ I am directly accepting and allowing separation and the definition of inferiority and actually participating in the energy of judgment.

I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that in my world and have the ability through my acceptances and allowances to stop abuse in this world by stopping taking something personally.

I see/realize/understand that I don’t know the full details of why my partner may have said what she said, or realized it was offensive.

I see/realize/understand that if something said was meant to be abusive, chances are it was learned from somewhere else, and the best way to support this person that may have been abused is to stop taking what they said personally.

I see/realize/understand that to stop abuse, one must stop the participation in taking things personally.

I see/realize/understand that by taking something personally I am in fact opening the door to abuse and abusing myself.

I commit myself to stopping the abuse of others through stopping the acceptance and allowance of abuse through taking something personally.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally, and investigate how I define myself and others through what I take personally.

I commit myself to remaining stable here and stopping abuse, to contribute to a world that is best for all, where abuse is not tolerated.

I commit myself to stop the blaming of another for abusing and ‘playing the victim’ in taking things personally, and thereby stopping the abuse of myself.

I commit myself to stand up for life and stop the continual self-abuse of taking things personally.