Day 18 - Escaping through video games

 

It has always felt like I am addicted to the things that allow me to escape from reality.  These days it’s the game ‘Candy Crush’ that takes me away for hours.  I just want to get to the next level and to move through the game so that I can get to the end.  Like a constant pushing, and if I ask myself why I want to push through, it’s like there is no answer.  It’s just to ‘beat the level’ and the faster I move through the levels, the more comfortable it feels.  If I get stuck on a level, and I am not playing the game, my thought goes right to it, and I imagine opening up the program and playing it.  Within this thought it is a subtle comfortable feeling that compels me to do exactly what I imagine myself doing.

In the past it was the same thing with other video games.  Constantly playing, and while my physical body barely moved, with just a few eye movements and controlled twitches from my thumbs, I would play for hours and hours, constantly feeding my appetite for ‘winning’.  The more winning, and progressing through the levels I did, the better I felt.  With each level, I notice that there were always a couple of goals.  One was to obviously achieve the main goal of getting past the level with enough points; and then the secondary goal was to try to achieve a certain amount of points, which would give you stars.  These stars are what I always would try to strive for as well.  It wasn’t enough to simply do the minimum.  Getting extra stars always made me feel that much more special.  It gave me a sense of superior accomplishment.  And I somewhat took pride in this.

I am somewhat embarrassed about spending hours and hours playing a game, and feel that I miss out on other things I could have done, like spending time with family/friends, or taking the dogs for a walk, or doing process.  And there is even some guilt in playing these games and not doing all that I can do for myself in what is best for all.

I remember my former roommate would spend hours and hours on a weekend trying to beat a game, and I would judge him for it.  I would think, ‘look at him – he spends all week working just so that he can escape into a videogame on the weekend.  He sits there inside on the couch when it is beautiful outside.  He misses out on life – and for that he is less than.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my former roommate is missing out ‘on life’ by playing video games all weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as less than, those that spend hours and hours playing video games all of the time, in the belief that ‘they are missing out on life’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as inferior for playing video games, I am actually judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as less than, for playing video games for hours and hours, shows that I act in fear and separation and am therefore not life at all, and am only directed within it through the force of self-interested fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I ‘don’t play video-games’ out of fear of missing out on life, I am in fact moving out of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle in what is best for all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination of opening up the program and playing video games, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle and decide for myself when I play video games and for how long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I play video games for not doing other things that I think that I should be doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve into video games when I want to avoid responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life would be like if I followed through on my responsibilities all of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that carrying out responsibilities is not actually that bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, and the negative emotion of fear.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I carry out my responsibilities, they do not ever give me a negative experience, and can be quite enjoyable.