Day 65 - Making Choices (Part II)

For context, refer to Day 64 - Making Choices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the path of escape when making a decision, instead of basing the decision on the principle of what would be best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question this constant decision to escape, as a form of automation where I choose it always, regardless of whether it will result in consequences.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate my motives behind the decisions that I make, looking at the effects it may have on others or even myself in time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if my starting point on going on 'the path of least resistance' to really escape, I am in fact making the choice to avoid facing myself and essentially 'giving up'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I choose the self-interested path to escape without question in order to avoid facing myself and in that moment, I am in fact abdicating my choice to a decision based on fear (fear of facing myself).

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that whether it be now or later, I will still have to face myself and the longer I put off facing myself, the more abuse will be done unto this world and ultimately myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in making the choice to always be comfortable, I am simply limiting my expressions/actions/movements to that of a narrow stream of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the petty fears (of rejection from others / of not being comfortable) to stand in the way of standing up and doing what is best for all, so that I may do what I would like another to do for me if they too had the capacity to take on that responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this world is still a mess, where a few live extravagant lives on the backs of those that are impoverished and the environment is being destroyed, and by becoming complacent through only making decisions based in comfort, I am choosing to be ignorant to all of these facts and basically saying that I can't make a change because I'm only one person, not realizing that this is still a choice that will shape and make the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my process of investigating and correcting the self-abuse that still exists within myself, simply waiting for the consequences to accumulate before I do anything , in the realization that it will be too late when the consequences do finally show.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that each small choice that initially seems difficult to make, is actually quite easy once you make the decision to do it, and direct oneself in what is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having resistances or a 'bad feeling' about something, not investigating the origins of the resistance or 'bad feelings', simply following them blindly with no attempt to get to know myself and why I may react like this.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to simply walk through the heaviness and resistance of completing a task I know will be beneficial to myself and others.

Day 64 - Making Choices

My self-discipline has taken an interesting turn.  At least, it seems like it has turned, really its just the recycling of old habits that I have solidified into myself over time.  My self-discipline is really no longer here it seems.

I find myself faced with many 'small' choices in my day to day, and whenever  I get into that 'decision making' zone, I see myself absently abdicating my choice to self-interest. 

For example, I'll be faced with the choice of completing a task I've been meaning to do or playing a cell phone video game, and it occurs to me that, 'hey, I could complete such and such task that I have been meaning to do, or I could learn about this or develop myself this way or that'.  Instead of making the choice to do those things, I just say to myself 'no, I'm just going to do this procrastinating activity, as long as I can'.  And hours and hours will go by, that will just be completely absorbed into this game.  That's how things  just don't get done.  I just waste time away, through escaping into my cell phone.

Sometimes I ask myself 'why not just stop playing this video-game and doing these tasks in the moment, and there is like no response at all.  Just emptiness, and then the status quo choice is made.  What if I could always just be that voice back and stand up in the moment to do those tasks?  What would happen.  I resist it, and I fear it.  I look at it like I'm going down this dark unknown path, like I'm moving out of my comfort zone.  So now it is time to commit to myself to make that decision to be the voice and to walk down that unknown road to see what would happen.

 No more reaching for the escape and more of doing the tasks that are required to get done, no matter the resistance in the moment.  Pushing through the resistance is happening in all moments, and making the decision here present on how much I will spend 'escaping', if any time at all. 

Day 63 - Anger and frustration at work

Lately, I've noticed that my anger and frustration level at work has amped up, and I am 'acting' out a lot more at work lately. Instead of simply looking at a challenge at hand, and approaching it in a methodical way, I will start to go into frustration and swear at my computer. So why am I frustrated in the first place?

The reason on the surface is that my workload seems to be overwhelming right now, and when things don't work out perfectly, and I'm required to put some extra effort in, I start to get frustrated. My expectation is that I have enough resources at my disposable to delegate to, so that all of the work to keep my projects running smoothly. And 'running' is the operative word here, because it's like I'm always running around and 'reacting' to various things that come up.

And the source of my frustration is that last minute things do come up, all of the time, because that is the nature of the work I do. There are always unpredictable requests or scenarios that present themselves, and I always feel that I can't keep up with them all. And the reason I can't keep up with them, is because I believe that my workload is too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the strain of stress and frustration on my physical body, in the realization that the anxiety I accept and allow is slowly killing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated in the belief that I don't have the support of resources to support my projects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'rush' on tasks and try to get away with doing the minimal due diligence on something, compromising quality, so that I could free up time to get everything done, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that 'rushing' will eventually cause mistakes and extra time and costs to my project due to re-work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my 'leaders' for my rushed state, in the excuse that they did not provide enough resources for me to support my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuses and justifications as well as the blame of others for the anxiety and stressed state that I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for the frustrated and angry state that I have acted out.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the frustration and anger shows that I am not being self-honest in the moment about the things that I am frustrated and angry about.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go into frustration and anger, I make it a habit, and not only abuse my body in the stress that undergo, but also make a decision to be self-dishonest in the moment and separate myself from that in which I am projecting my frustration and anger towards.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go into frustration, nothing will actually change, as I will not be able to communicate to others to help support the changes neccessary, that I would like to see.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that frustration and anger only distracts me from the task at hand is no means to actually find a solution or get the work done that I need to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of frustration and anger towards the 'workload' and 'processes' within my job, instead of accepting and allowing myself to complete the tasks at hand, or delegate them effectively in the moment in clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts of all of the outstanding tasks that I have to do, and then get anxious or feel bad that I have not full-filled my commitment, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take the time to plan how each of these tasks will be completed through time management or delegation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to delegate effectively in my role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt in delegating tasks to others in the belief that they do not have the capacity to take on these tasks because they are so busy themselves.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that anger and frustration at work is an action that has become a habit, in which I secretly enjoy because 'it feels good' to be angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judge those that go into anger as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those that go into anger are more powerful than others, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that those that go into anger, actually become powerless to their own possession of anger by abdicating their self-directive principle and living a life through the choices made by the anger and frustration character.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the long term consequences of constant anger towards something or someone and the detrimental effects it has on my body and this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as an angry and frustrated person at work, instead of accepting and allowing myself to instead stay in the moment in what is physically and work out a solution that benefits everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only leave a job when I get angry and frustrated at it for some reason, showing to myself that I am choosing my destiny, by making the choice to go into anger, at that point abdicating my self -directive principle to do what is best for all.

When and as I see myself go into anger/frustration or any kind of thoughts about work and something that I imagine to be the source of my anger, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment in the expression of who I am until the anger and frustration subsides. - I see/realize/understand that that in which I 'believe' is the source of my anger, whether it be my manager or a process or not having enough resources, is actually just a distraction to take me away from the actual source of the anger, which is my own self-dishonesty. I see/realize/understand that when I participate in this stressful anger and frustration, I am damaging my body and effecting those around me through my subtle physical actions and sound. I see/realize/understand that when I am in anger, I can't actually see the source of the anger and come up with a solution that is best for all in the moment. I see/realize/understand that by going in anger and frustration, I am creating a habit of going into it, that has become automated within myself that will only solidify as a character, and ultimately my destiny over time. I see/realize/understand that I have the choice as the self-directive principle to stop the anger and frustration in the moment and do the work that needs to be done in an effective way, either doing it myself or delegating. I see/realize/understand that when I go into anger and frustration, I am making the choice in the moment to give up my self-directive principle, having my life now be dictated through the character that I create as anger. - I commit myself to stop the habit of anger and frustration through stopping it in the moment by following my breathe and coming back to here, so that I can take back my self-directive principle in what is best for myself and all. I commit myself to investigate myself to find out the source of my anger and frustration within my own self-dishonest nature. I commit myself to stop the abuse towards myself and others through my anger and frustration, avoiding longterm consequences and living what is best for all.

Day 62 - Media Obsessed

I found out that there was a mass murder in my city a few days ago where a guy killed 5 people with a knife at a house party. It really peaked my interest because I could easily identify with the people involved. They were just regular kids that went to University and partied. No past brushes with the law, they weren't drug dealers or associated with gangs, or growing up in impoverished neighborhoods. In fact, the murders happened in a quiet suburban neighborhood, near a University, even close to where I used to live. Would not have predicted that a University student, with no past crimes, would just go and murder 5 people with a knife on the last day of classes at a party where everyone was celebrating summer finally being here.

It has got me so intrigued, that now I want to know every detail of how and why this happened. I have this strong pull, almost an obsession, to read every little detail about this case and soak up as much knowledge about it, so that I can try and understand what happened. But why do I want to get inside the mind of this young man that committed these terrible acts of violence.

The fact is, without reading anything more, I can see that this man was possessed/obsessed with something in particular. Just like myself in being pulled to find a newspaper or go on-line to read about this case, (except a lot more intensified), these are the kinds of actions, that are built up through thought/imagination/backchat and the fueling of a certain lust to do or experience something. But the pattern of obsession, leading to possession is the same, and most people give in to this on a daily basis, whether it's with eating snacks, watching TV or any other game of will that is lost to mind for immediate satisfaction.

It is a tragedy and completely unnecessary that 5 people's lives ended so abruptly and this case really goes to show the importance of dealing with such mind obsessions/possessions, before they get to the point of terrible un-reversible consequences that leave a lasting scar on this world.

Day 61 - Winning! (Part II)

For context - refer to Day 60 - Winning!

When and as I see myself go into suspicion of another, distrusting them, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that the suspicion that I have of another in the belief that they are possessed and will act only in their self-interest in relation to me, is actually myself that I am seeing and my own possession that I am under the influence of where I would only act in self-interest. I see/realize/understand that in believing that I can not trust another, I am actually showing to myself that I cannot be trusted as a being that will do what is best for all in that moment. I see/realize/understand that in situations where I am suspicious that another will try to ‘hurt me’ or take something from me, I am showing to myself how I project my own self-interest of another, in order to not see myself and the abuse that I am capable of in that moment. – I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the suspicion of and judgment of another as acting in their own self-interest is actually seeing my own self-interest and self-dishonest nature that I exist as. I commit myself to stop the blame and judgment of another as only being self-interested and acting in their own self-interest, and to instead investigate within myself for where I am or have been possessed by my own self-interest.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of another, in the belief that I need to compete with them to protect what is mine, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I start competing with another, I am really just going into competition with myself, leading to a consequence that is abusive in the end both to myself and others as myself. I see/realize/understand that by stopping the competition in fear that I will be less than if I lose, will create a win-win situation for all in what is best for all. I see/realize/understand that living in fear of losing and thus playing to win in self-interest is more damaging to myself as a whole, than being able to keep a specific possession that I treasure. I see/realize/understand that freely letting go of that possession and stopping competition will release the self-induced possession that I have accepted and allowed on myself. I see/realize/understand that in competition, I am limited in my expression to only very narrow rules of engagement with another, which are a worse outcome to myself than if I were to just let go and apparently lose in the first place. I commit myself to let go of the belief that I need to compete with another, in the realization that I am just competing with myself, which will have the consequences of abuse and a narrow set of rules of engagement, severely limiting expression and an outcome that is best for all. I commit myself to let go of possessions and the fear of losing, in the realization that basing life on winning and losing, is simply losing, as the starting point is not what is best for all.

When and as I see myself go into happiness (smugness) when making an action that would help me gain a seemingly competitive advantage over someone, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. - I see/realize/understand that the competitive edge that I have seemingly gained, is really just a competitive edge I have gained over myself, and thus have created more separation within myself. I see/realize/understand that the smugness/happiness that I am experience, is simply one side of a polarity that actually exists within myself, and shows actual abuse that I have accepted and allowed towards my physical body and this physical existence. I see/realize/understand that the experience of power and control within the 'successful' outcome of this strategic move, shows the extent of the power and self-directive principle that I have given up to the mind. I see/realize/understand that the competition and conflict that I see that I have with another person is simply a reflection of the internal conflict that exists within myself. - I commit myself to the realization that the feeling of power and control, is actually the point where I have given up my total power and control, and instead opted for abuse of myself and those in this world. I commit myself to stop and breathe in the moment, in moments of feeling dominating, and get back to here in that moment. I commit myself to stop the participation in competing with others and vying for dominance.

I commit myself to stop the participation in replaying of memories (for pleasure) where I apparently was successful in getting power and control or I did something that I judge as clever or better than, and instead get back to here and reality, in the realization that attempting to replay memories is the perfect distraction and the easiest way to perpetuate ignorance and abuse.

Day 60 - Winning!

I was looking back at a memory where I was in a situation where I thought that I could be taken advantage of. I had something in my possession that, in hindsight was not very valuable, but at that time I cherished and was scared to lose it.

In this situation, I didn't trust this other person and the people that they were with, and thought they were going to take this object away.

The order of the pattern looking back is as follows (and I can see now that this is a very common pattern among most everyone in the world):

1) I feel good having this object in my possession

2) Some people 'I don't know 'come around and express interest in this possession

3) I immediately go into fear of loss and distrust them, believe they will take it from me

4) I believe now that I am in competition with this other person or group to ultimately end up with the possession.

5) I believe that whoever ends up with possession is dominant and more powerful (ultimately better).

6) I strategically make a decision/move that I believe helps me keep the possession

7) I believe that I have done something clever and feel dominant and more powerful

8) I occupy myself thinking about how clever and dominant I am, over and over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust a guy that I ‘didn’t really know very well’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in not trusting another, I am showing to myself that I don’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘the guy I don’t really know taking advantage of me, and claiming dominance over me by taking my little baggy of weed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘the guy I don’t really know taking advantage of me, and claiming dominance over me by taking my little baggy of weed’, and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by going into fear of another taking dominance over me, I am in fact actually giving permission to the mind to have dominance over me in accepting and allowing fear and distrust towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed separation to exist between myself and people that I don’t know and that I judge as unstable, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain here and assess a situation, the risks and the consequential outflows of making certain decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label and judge another person as untrustworthy and abusive, when I actually haven’t seen them doing anything abusive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the self-interest that I apparently see in another person is really the self-interest that exists within myself as it is reflected back to me in the interpretation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be in competition with another person and so must stay one step ahead of them, and come up with ways to strategize to beat them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that being in competition with someone, is telling me that I am simply in competition with myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when being in competition with myself, I will always just end up fucking myself over and limit myself to internal/external conflict, instead of realizing the potential of equally working together with another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought of making a strategic move that seems to better my position in comparison with another in competition, and the positive feeling of power and control, by accepting and allowing myself to define power and control within the thought of ‘making a strategic move that gives me the impression that I have moved myself into a less compromising position in comparison with another in competition, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself that into thinking that by ‘being in a better position’ from the starting point of self-interest, that I am reaching a point of control and power in my life, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that the mere fact of comparing myself to another, not trusting them, and then being in competition with them as myself, I have in fact given up freely my power and control to the mind through participating in these energetic pre-programmed loops/cycles/patterns.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take back my self-directive principle, through stopping the fear of others, through stopping comparison and competition with another, and instead getting to know another as myself, in the realization that we are in fact one and equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the conflict I may have with another person is the reflection of internal conflict and separation that exists within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the reaction of 'feeling good' when I perceive myself to be in a more dominant position where I know I am protecting my object, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I when I 'feel good' about reaching an apparent point of domination, it is actually the point when the mind 'feel's good' because it has reached a point of total domination over the physical body in possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay a moment over and over where I believe that I made a clever move to place myself in a position of dominance, re-enforcing and validating the imaginations dominance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I re-enforce a memory by thinking about it over and over replaying it in my mind, I am re-enforcing the chains from myself to that memory, and building an addictive and unhealthy obsession towards the feeling that the memory has attached to it, which will eventually have consequences of seeking to live out or replay that memory, in spite of the abuse towards another that it may cause.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that replaying a 'good' memory over and over in my mind, will only serve to limit both my awareness and definition that I have placed upon myself, which will in turn serve to alienate myself from others.

Day 59 - You're not hearing me! (Part III)

For context please refer to:

Day 57 - 'You're not hearing me!' (Part I)

Day 58 - 'You're not hearing me!' (Part II)

In the last post I focused on self-forgiveness on the topic of communication with my partner. In this post, I will create the script for myself for future situations where I am communicating with my partner, so that we can get on the same page as each other, and not have to proliferate any conflict further.

When and as I see myself get angry and frustrated and blame my partner for not listening to me, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that in blaming my partner in frustration, I am actually showing myself what I am in fact doing that is self-dishonest, which is actually not listening to her. I see/realize/understand that in these moments, I have already conned myself into believing that my belief/opinion/perception is right, and that what she is saying is wrong and misguided/misdirected and generally just missed the mark. I see/realize/understand that blaming somebody else for the same thing that I am doing, is the highest form of self-manipulation that I can impose on myself, showing me just how delusional I really am. I commit myself to use the 'queue's' of blaming another to support myself in seeing what I am actually self-dishonestly doing in my own life to others. I commit myself to stop any form of blame towards somebody in the moment, especially towards my partner in apparently not listening to me, and instead take self-responsibility for that same action. I commit myself to actually listen 100% to every word that my partner is saying in the moment. I commit myself to stop trying to CON-vince myself and my partner that my opinion/belief/perspective is correct, and instead place myself in my partner's shoes, as I listen to the words that she speaks.

When and as I see myself dismiss my partner as irrational and wrong, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that in dismissing my partner as irrational and wrong, I am subtly judging and separating myself from my partner and thus will not ever get to the point of 'being on the same page' in absolute understanding and agreement when taking this approach. I see/realize/understand that in conning myself into believing I am right, I am sabotaging any chance of having not only a relationship with another person, but also having a relationship with myself in self-honesty. I see/realize/understand that without common sense evidence of what is best for all, it is impossible to say what is best for all, and may take investigation of reality. I commit myself to stop the judgment of my partner as being irrational and consider her perspective to be able to place myself in her shoes effectively. I commit myself to stop the belief of my opinion being right in the absence of common sense evidence and only forming my opinion and belief based on what I feel or the opinions of others.

When and as I see myself get 'defensive' or getting upset in seeing my partner appearing to be aggressive and angry towards me, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that in 'taking it personally' when my partner is being angry towards me, I am showing to myself how I abdicate my self-directive principle in accepting and allowing myself to go into automatic reactions through a certain trigger, instead of choosing to remain in stability here to effectively direct the situation in what is best for all. I see/realize/understand that by participating in automatic energetic reactions on the trigger of my partner reacting, I am reinforcing the habit of reacting in us both, which prevents us to moving towards any solutions in stability. I see/realize/understand that when I maintain my stability in the moment, and stop the reactions, I am able to effectively direct the situation towards understand and a solution that is best for both of us. I see/realize/understand that I may not actually be the source of my partners directed anger and reactions towards me, as there are most likely other things in her world that have added up over time, causing her to 'boil-over'. I see/realize/understand that her 'venting' just happens to be directed at me because I spend the most time with her out of most people in the world. I see/realize/understand that I if react to her reacting, I am basically saying that her reactions are justified, as I am accepting and allowing the exact same venting towards her too. - I commit myself to breathe in the moments when moving into reaction to maintain my stability, so that the situation can be directed effectively. I commit myself to realize in these moments, that no solution or change will actually be reached if I accept and allow myself to move into reactions when she reacts. I commit myself to not take her venting personally in the realization that because I spend the most amount of time with her in her life, this venting is most likely going to be directed at me. I commit myself to be the example here of how I would like others to express towards me, which is not to take things out on me.