Day 8 - Self-dishonest Self-forgiveness

 

My ulterior motive.

Earlier today I started writing self-forgiveness, which I later realized was spawned from a fear that I was going to miss out on a job opportunity if I didn't do the self-forgiveness.  I was really looking to self-forgiveness for a quick fix to my fear, so that I could get this job, and in the moment I failed to realize that I was frantically rushing through the self-forgiveness because I was late for work.  I was not walking with integrity in what was best for all at all.  I was looking at my own self-interest and hiding away my fears of failing to get a job offer that I was satisfied with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in doing self-forgiveness out of fear, I am actually acting in self-interest, fear and separation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush a point out of self-interest, and not realize that if a point has not been walked in all dimensions, the opportunity still remains for it to creep back.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to take the time, step by step, here in the moment to walk a point in all of its dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only walk the points that are in my own self-interest to do so.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the consequences to myself and all when I do self-forgiveness in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I follow self-interest, I walk the path of harm and abuse towards myself and others, where I will have to face myself and my harm eventually.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am only prolonging and building on the consequences when I do anything in self-interest, especially self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I put off the consequences and 'kick the can down the road' that eventually the consequences from my creation through separation will disapear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into the false sense of godliness and center of my universe as the only one that matters.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am the only one that matters here, as I am the main character in my story that I have created.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to refuse to gift myself the opportunity to see the truth of myself in fear of who and what I have become.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to dare to get to know myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of what it might be like if I actually got to see myself as who and what I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to push myself to do what is best for all.

When and as I see myself start writing self-forgiveness frantically, out of fear that I won’t progress or get something that I need, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that my actions of doing hurriedly doing self-forgiveness only mask myself as who and what I have become, and I am not in fact revealing myself.

I see/realize/understand that in deceiving myself to do self-forgiveness in fear, I am still acting in separation and leaving the door open for self-abuse and abuse towards others.

I see/realize/understand that I only compound the consequences when I do actions such as self-forgiveness in fear in self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the self-deception i currently accept and allow, through pushing myself to get to see who and what I have become in reality.

I commit myself to gift myself the opportunity to see the truth, as ugly as it may actually be, and move and push towards that which is best for all.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the fear of myself by remaining in the moment as the expression of who I am in breath here, feeling my fingers and feet.

 I commit myself to move, here, in the moment even if slow, in the respect and consideration towards my physical body and others.

I commit myself to stop the self-deception and move in self-honesty here in breathe in every moment and every breath and investigate moments where I write self-forgiveness within separation and fear.