Day 20 - Fear of looking stupid at work

 

I had a dream last night where I was in these meetings for some sort of project that was taking place.  And I was very eager to start talking to a few of the people about the project to get details, but when they would speak to me, it was like I wasn’t fully comprehending what they were saying, partly because they were using words that I had not heard before.  It was like I was trying to interpret in my mind these words that I had not heard before, and as I was doing that, I was missing out on the other parts of what they were saying.  I didn’t fully have the language understood, so the communication was not going entirely smooth.  Within this, I started getting confused and concerned that I wasn’t understanding, because it was part of the job I had been assigned to do.  I first thought ‘Maybe I don’t understand these words, because these people are from a different city than I, and they just use different names for the same things’, then I thought ‘maybe I am just really inexperienced and shouldn’t be in this role’. 

With the one guy I was speaking to, I just nodded my head, and pretended like I was fully understanding him, even though I wasn’t.  I didn’t want to make him think I was ‘wasting his time’ because I saw him as important.  This has happened to me in my job when talking to certain experts, when certain things that they say I just don’t comprehend.  And I don’t try to clarify most of the time, because I don’t want to sound stupid to them.  The thing is that, I won’t learn the definitions that they place on these words if I don’t ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are more knowledgeable in a particular ‘profitable’ field and are able to articulate a broad range of ‘profitable’ knowledge and information quite fluently, as more than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another that is able to articulate a broad range of knowledge and information beyond my level of understanding, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them by understanding the language and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I ask a question to someone I see as ‘higher up’ in the corporate ladder, clarifying what they understands a certain word to mean, they will get mad and this will solidify my inferiority.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if don’t ever get clarification from another as to what they are intending to communicate, then there may be miscommunication, which could lead to other consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am solidifying my position as less than, when I am getting clarification from someone I judge as more than, what a certain word or acronym means, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I have already established and solidified my own inferiority through previously separating myself from the other as more than, and asking a question at this point, does not solidify it any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those ‘higher on the corporate ladder’ that I admire and respect, as more than, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them, by being the living expression of the qualities that I admire within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a person as more than, if they are in a job position that is rare, like the CEO or Vice President.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are in job positions that are privy to specific information that describes the health of the company as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those as more than, that are in positions within the company that are privy to specific new policies that haven’t been rolled out to the rest of the company.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everyone in a company has a specific skill set and function that is required to make the entire company run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those that have greater influence into the operation of the company, as more than, kind of like I see the mind at the moment, where if the mind were to quit then the functioning of the body would quit, when in actuality, if the CEO were to quit, the company could still exist, as everyone would continue on practically doing their function.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the function of the CEO’s and board of directors is similiar to the mind, where they function in directing the company in that which is in the self-interest of the company, and ultimately the shareholders, not taking into consideration what is best for the company as the stake-holders, which include those that live within the environment that is impacted or the actual employees that contribute to the functioning of the employee.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that most all companies act in the best interest of the shareholders, and that the board of directors and CEO, will act in the best interest of the shareholders before the stake-holders, which shows how the power and influence of money as the shareholders currently reign over that which is life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that money is the dictator of the actions of all that work for a company, instead of integrity for life.