Day 33 - Dealing with conflict with my partner (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Day 32 - Dealing with conflict with my partner (Part 1)...

After a night sleep, it’s easier to now reflect on exactly what happened with the fight/squabble that I had with my partner.

I see that the blame towards her has kicked up a notch. All which represents that which I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility in myself for.

-         -  My partner is not stable and is thus sabotaging our relationship

-          - My partner is trying to manipulate and spite me, so that she can 'win' and be better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the backchat towards my partner, instead of see/realizing/understanding that the blame within the backchat is actually a true depiction of myself that I have projected onto my partner, so that I can hide the fact of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the projected blame towards my partner and allowed myself to whole heartedly believe it, instead of accepting and allowing myself to question the source of this backchat, and ask why this blame only comes when I am angry.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand why it is that I am angry and project anger and blame towards my partner in a moment, instead of accepting and allowing myself to investigate the source, and properly direct myself in the moment to a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am equal to and one with my partner, and the way that I treat my partner will be reflected back onto me through manifested consequences in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to treat my partner as I would treat myself in the principles of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my self-direction to emotions/feelings/thoughts/back-chat/internal conversations/imaginations/fears, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain stable in the moment and direct the point accordingly in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame and anger onto my partner, in order to hide a part of myself from my myself, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was in fact not stable in the moment with my partner, when directing the point of conflict.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the way I would like to be treated is to have a partner that is stable and moving themselves without being directed by emotions/feelings/thoughts/fears/imaginations/backchat/internal conversations.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I was in fact trying to manipulate and spite my partner, because I convinced myself that she was responsible for the shitty way that I felt in the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I felt shitty in the moment because I took some things personally that she said in the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my own manipulation and spite towards my partner was ultimately to feel better about myself and 'win', so to speak. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to ‘get back’ at my partner and try to make her feel the same shitty way that I felt.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how destructive it is to my world to spite another person when you feel that they have ‘put you down’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I believe that another is able to ‘put me down’, I am showing myself in fact how manipulated and controlled I am by my own mind, as I don’t even have directive authority over the way I feel, as if I’m just being tossed around in a cage, instead of accepting and allowing myself to make the choice of stability and self-directive principle over the way that I experience the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner was trying to ‘put me down’ and succeeded, instead of accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for the experiences within my own life, in the realization that everything that I experience passes through the filter of the mind and am responsible for accepting and allowing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take comments from my partner personal, instead of accepting and allowing myself to remain stable in the moment and taking back directive authority over the way that I experience this world.

Day 32 - Dealing with conflict with my partner (Part 1)

So, as it turns out, my partner is now pregnant.  Potentially up to 9 weeks, although I am supposed to find out on Thursday for sure.  I see that it is bringing in a bunch of new paranoid fears and other issues to work through.  

First off, is the bickering with my partner.  Everything seemed to be going swimmingly, until today.  I imagine that the novelty of finding out we were both going to be parents wore off.  Before today I could see that she was being pretty patient with me, and even apologizing when she would ‘act out’, but now the walls are down, and it seems like she is coming full force at me.  Throwing in shots about how I spend too much time on my computer, and how I should do this or that.  It seems that I am carrying the bulk of the housework as well now, as I have been cooking all meals for her for the past 3 days (since she found out), and then cleaning up afterward.  At first I didn’t mind so much, because I know that she was feeling nauseous and having trouble eating, except now, I’d like to get some help.  What happened to this team effort?  Anyway she’s apparently mad at me too, for me ‘acting like a dick’, which I probably have been. 

To be honest, I’m a bit angry/frustrated and just looking to pick a fight.  There are some dis-agreements between us, and I’m going to use this moment of writing as an opportunity to use what I've learned in the Desteni Agreement course to dissect the anger that I have towards my partner and use it as a reflection of myself to see how I have separated a part of myself from myself.  Ok, so here goes...Why am I frustrated at my partner?

My partner is not ‘pulling her weight’ around the house, when it comes to cooking and cleaning.  I feel like I’m doing all of the work around here now.  (Which I know isn’t true, because she is doing chores as well).  When I started making dinner for the 10^th straight meal, I asked for her help, and she stormed off and told me to make a ‘single-man’s dinner’.  This is after I was apparently ‘being a dick to her’.

Taking self back to self, and looking for moments within my life where I have done exactly the same thing, I can see that at some points in time, my partner would cook all of the suppers and I would sit and do other things.  I also see that my partner is in fact pulling her weight by doing laundry, sweeping the floors, feeding the dogs.  I see that my frustration and unwillingness to unconditionally help her out has sparked this disagreement as my anger/frustration only served to fuel the conflict even further

Right now, we are fighting, and I see the best thing to do is not engage, and breathe as she is venting.  The energy will eventually diminish, and we will both be at the point of a stability within ourselves, so we can come to an agreement on these things.

Part 31 - A Pacified Life (Part 3)

Self-commitment statements to support myself in being the self-directed principle.

For context please refer to:

Day 29 - A Pacified LIfe (Part 1)

Day 30 - A Pacified Life (Part 2)

When and as I see myself ‘having urges’ to play video games and surf youtube videos that are in my own self-interest as if I am locked into a perpetual zombified state of automated apathy, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  – I see/realize/understand that there are really only so many hours in my life, and when I give away those prescious hours to the mind in the abdication of my direction, I am committing the ultimate crime of ignorance and hang out to dry those that are currently suffering in this world as well as create consequences for myself.  I see/realize/understand that this distraction that is ‘sugar for the brain’, perpetuates the self-imposed ignorance and serves to create a smoke-screen to what is really going on in the world. - I commit myself to take back the directive principle of myself and move in what is best for all in all moments.  I commit myself to support myself to stop this zombified state, in which I BE-LIE-ve that ‘I have no control’ and get back to here in the moment.

When and as I see myself within this automated zombified state playing video games and surfing youtube videos and am faced with the decision to move out of it. – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who  I am.  – I see/realize/understand that the resistance I have towards stopping these automated habits show me to what extent I am pre-disposed/pre-programmed to the narrow confines of my own limitations and perpetuation of self-interest of the characters that consume myself.  I see/realize/understand that I have accepted and allowed (created) these self-imposed limitations, and can therefore deconstruct them in one single breath and self-directed movement.  I see/realize/understand that when I do continue participating in the pacified/zombified/automated state of distraction/self-interest, I am making a choice in self-interest of that carries with it the deliberate ignorance and ultimately the acceptance of the continuation of abuse and suffering in this world. – I commit myself to support myself to stop the pacified state through taking a single breathe here and then self-directing myself in every moment.  I commit myself to take back my self-directive principle in every moment and every breath, by stopping the belief that it is ‘too difficult’ and moving through the self-imposed resistances that currently confine my life one step at a time.  I commit myself to show myself that I can in fact change myself in the moment to what is best for all by moving through any resistance using my breath and own self-will as support.

When and as I see the ‘inner-voice’ give suggestions within my own mind, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that this inner-voice (backchat) usually suggests things that align with a self-interest of keeping myself within a pacified-zombified state or perpetuating some kind of habbit and pattern that keeps me confined within a narrow life-path.  I see/realize/understand that I actually have no idea where or why this inner-voice was created in the first place, and that blindly following the suggestions without questioning them, are in fact an abdication of my own self-directive principle. -  I commit myself to question the suggestions of this inner-voice asking the question of whether or not this suggestion is what is best for all and whether it serves to perpetuate the self-imposed limitations that create the narrow confines of my life path.  I commit myself to investigate note down what the the ‘inner-voice’ (self-talk / back-chat) and then make the time to investigate and find its orgins, determining why and how and for what purpose it was created for. 

Day 30 - A Pacified Life (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Day 29 – Pacified (Part 1)....

Self-forgiveness statements to assist and support myself to be the self-directive principle and move in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that their is only so many hours in my life, and when I sit pacified, locked into a zombified state looking for my next energetic ‘fix’ through a video game or youtube video, I am actually giving away myself to self-interest and becoming part of the problem of ignorance that currently is an epidemic throughout the world and creates abuse and suffering for others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as I am afforded the luxuries of ‘time off’ from work, I am also afforded the ability to help change the system to that which is best for all, as I in fact am a functioning part of the current system, equal to and one with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-directed will to stop participating in the pacification of myself through drifting away into videogames and youtube videos that serve nothing more than to distract myself away from what’s really going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘hard’ and ‘difficult’ to stop participation in distractions, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realizes/understand that it only takes a single breath and a simple decision to stop participation in the distraction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to gift myself the self-directive principle in what is best for all and make the decision in every moment to do so in a single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a resistance to something in myself to actually limit me from doing that activity, instead of accepting and allowing myself to walk-through this resistance using my breath and self-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the internal voice (inner child?) that suggests certain activities, as if these suggestions need not be questioned because they come from within.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the internal voice almost always acts in that particular character’s own self-interest as the character that it represents.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to evaluate the suggestions from the voice of the inner character to see if it in fact does represent what is best for all in every moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in accepting and allowing the limitations imposed by ‘resistances’, I am in fact limiting myself to the narrow confines of a pre-programmed life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to push through resistances to do certain things, such as participating in my own process to re-birth self from the physical in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the process of re-birthing life from the physical tests the will of self to do what is best for all, and shows the current extent into which I am pre-programmed in self-interest, because if I were not programmed in self-interest, I would not have resistances within myself and my world would not have the manifested consequences that it currently has.  

Day 29 - A Pacified LIfe (Part 1)

There’s only so many hours in the course of my life.  Time is ticking away as the fingers bonk each keyboard key.  And I sit here all day, playing video games and surfing youtube sites trying to find things that peak my interest.

I’ve been afforded these luxuries of time-wasting, as I have some time off at the Christmas holiday, and this is how I chose to use this time.  This shows me the self-interest that exists within myself and the habits that have formed.  Because when I’m clicking away on my computer playing video games or surfing the web, there is this constant pull, like an addiction that moves me.  To put it plainly, it is a struggle for me to stop doing these things and continue self-investigation of myself like this blog writing.  There is this great resistance that almost suggestively attempts to move me away from it, and I really have to use a will within myself to stay and remain.

There is sometimes a voice within myself that suggests to do things, and it is usually fairly soothing, and seems to be looking out for my best interest.  It might say something like, ‘why don’t you take a break from this writing that you’re doing and go to bed now, like its saying ‘manyana’ (Spanish for tomorrow).  And that seems like a nice suggestion, it’s just that I’ve only been typing for a few minutes.  It’s not like I’ve been at this for hours, and my body is getting tired.  In fact, I’ve been taking a break practically all day, in somewhat of a zombiefied state where I’ve just been content playing video games and doing whatever it is I feel like in the moment.  I haven’t devoted one minute to any type of self-investigation to how I function the way I do and why I function the way I do.  I’ve just been pacified all day.

I find it difficult to do just stay here focused on doing the process that I have committed to do.  And it makes sense that I would be, because if it were easy, then it would already be done. It's no wonder the world is the way that is.  Because the majority of people like myself are so pacified, that doing anything change things comes with great resistance.  And giving into that resistance is really just giving in to self-interest.