Day 55 - Character Development through seeking validation from others

For context, please refer to:

Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

Day 54 - Character Development through positive re-enforcement

When and as I see myself seeking validation and positive re-enforcement of others, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that I have chosen this specific person to get validation and positive re-enforcement from them in complete self-interest, for if it weren't to somehow gain, then it would not matter who in the world I would need to get positive re-enforcement from. I see/realize/understand that I choose this person to get validation from, because I judge them as more than. I see/realize/understand that I have separated myself from this specific person that I am attempting to seek validation from, and am not in fact having an actual relationship with them, but instead attempting to full-fill my self-abdicating self-interest to 'feel good'. I see/realize/understand that in attempting to get validation, positive re-enforcement from another, I am in fact exposing that I live in separation from my own self within 'lack', as I apparently am not full-filled within myself and must seek my happiness externally in separation. I see/realize/understand that by defining my happiness and full-fillment in getting validation from others, through trying to please them, I am in fact severely limiting my expression and dancing around any disagreements or potential conflict that may need to be worked out. I see/realize/understand that avoiding conflict, to 'keep the peace (piece)', only serves to maintain that separation and real relationship with another person and the actual expression of myself. I see/realize/understand that under the pretenses of avoiding conflict, any abuse is allowed to proliferate as it will be kept unchecked. - I commit myself to investigate the reasons why I have decided to choose specific people to please, and why I would try to protect a certain 'nice guy' or 'pleasing' image to them. I commit myself to be aware and stop any deliberate acts of attempting to please another being for the sake of my own validation and positive feelings or protection of an image. I commit myself to develop a dialogue and an equal relationship to the other person that I seek validation from. I commit myself to face the conflict in my world, and resolve any disagreements, so that I can expand myself and my relationship with others in equality, for a world that is best for all.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of another judging me as being less than, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand firstly that I have not equalized myself to this person and am living in separation with them through judgment of them as more than. I see/realize/understand that in judging them as more than for specific attributes, I am in fact showing myself how I have judged others in my life as less than, for appearing to not have those same attributes. I see/realize/understand that I am in fact living out and becoming that in which I have judged, the polarity boomeranging back and forth, between 'more than' and 'less than'. I see/realize/understand that unless I do not equalize myself with all others in my world, I will continue to boomerang back and forth, back and forth between the judgments of myself compared to others as 'more than' and 'less than'. - I commit myself to stop the constant rattle of the mind that would try to wonder, then predict, then worry what another may be thinking and judging of me, in the realization that I am in fact participating simply in my own thoughts/projections that I have created, and it would actually be impossible to know just what they may be judging of me, unless I was fully in their shoes and their mind. I commit myself to stop the projections of myself being more than, or less than another in a certain situation, and instead, stop and breathe, and realize that I am here with this person as myself, as I am seeing them and interpreting them through my own mind, in the realization that any judgment/separation of this other person as my own interpretation serves only to create the platform of that in which I will later live out, which shows that I really do not have self-directive principle over my actions and instead live by the movement of the boomerang of polarity. I commit myself to investigate relationships that I have created in polarity with others in my world, to see where I have abdicated my living in favour of the boomerang of judgment.

Day 54 - Character Development through positive re-enforcement

For context, please refer to:

 Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have designed my personalities throughout my life to be a somebody or to be noticed, to get attention from others in a positive way in order to feel special that I was acknowledged.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within this desire of acknowledgment from others in a positive light, I am showing to myself that I actually exist in a form of lack in believing I'm a 'nobody' if I don't positive re-enforcement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far for positive re-enfocement that I would need it, like a drug, after not having it for a certain amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my happiness and well-being within how much positive re-enforcement I get from others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I shape my personalities in certain ways in order to get positive re-enforcement from specific individuals, hand selected by me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I hand select those specific individuals I look to get positive re-enforcement from.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the individuals that I choose to get positive re-enforcement from, are those that I judge to have more value than others within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself from those that I choose to seek positive re-enforcement from, judging them as more than and special as compared to other people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in separating myself from those that I seek positive re-enforcement from, I am in fact not having an actual relationship with them and am only 'acting' in certain ways out of fear that I will be seen as 'a nobody' and therefore will not have any value as I place my value within the way that 'I believe' others see me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is really no way I can actually know how another sees me unless I was completely in their shoes, and thus my perception or reality as to how they see me, matters not because its only a wild guess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself with how I believe another person sees me, and if they judge me as more than, or less than.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the way 'I believe' another sees me and judges me, is based solely on how I see other people and judge them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I judge another as more than or less than, I am actually placing judgment on myself, and ultimately separating myself from them, and other people that 'I believe' are judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that 'don't follow the rules, and don't care' as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go int fear, guilt or shame of breaking rules, I am actually creating conflict within myself, thus the manifested conflict in the physical ensues.

Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

In the past, I have always wanted to be special, ever since I can remember. Whether it was having some kind of toy that nobody else had, or being the smartest kid at something, or having a talent that was better than another, those things that I saw that set me apart from other kids, are what drove me to do the things that I did.

And what was interesting is that there was a couple of times in school, where I changed schools and would try to redefine myself to the way that I saw the 'cool kids' at my previous school.

For example, in Grade 1-3, I was in a class that seemed to have a lot of 'trouble-makers'. Even though it was a catholic school, the kids in the class seemed to be extremely bad, at least compared to the next school I went to, where the kids seemed a bit more likely to play in a tamer way. At the catholic school, we would hit each other, and even had a rock fight where a kid was hit in the back of the head and had to get stitches. It was impressive. And I always felt that the 'baddest', most defiant, fearless kids were also the coolest.

So when I went to my new school in Grade 4, I decided that I would try to emulate the 'badness' so that I could separate myself from the other kids. And so, got into a lot of trouble. Most of the things that I did, was really about trying to push the boundaries and the teachers buttons. And it felt good. I showed the other kids that I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble and I felt like I got a lot of positive attention for that.

When I went to my next school in Grade 7-9, I was intent on carrying on this personality of being defiant and 'bad-ass' (in my mind), and what was interesting was that I found that there were way badder kids than myself, that would cross lines that I didn't even know existed. It was like a huge step up, and one that I was not willing to take. I learned that I had boundaries. So I had to adapt and started creating other personalities like being a class clown, and using my talents in sports and academics to get attention and acceptance. All of this again to set my self apart from others as someone special.

Now the pattern continues to this day, always trying to set my self apart from other people and be special or more than. Trying to be the best worker, constantly trying to strive towards being a boss, as being in that kind of position is unique and holds power. Now you will always have the 'last say', with your opinion mattering the most.

Day 52 - Abandoning trust

Currently I am walking the Desteni 'I' Process course, which is unlike any course I've ever been involved with. It's great because 'its all about ME' lol. The assignments have a general outline, which show me how to learn about myself..

What I am realizing, is that I have created a great deal of patterns in the way I live my life. People say that we are creatures of habits, and I think that's true for all life that exists on earth. Animals hunt in the same places and we all do the same things. This helps simplify life in a way, like when we need to get food for instance, we just do what has worked in the past, like go to the grocery store, and more often than not, we will just buy the same things, because it worked out last time. There might be a few tweaks here and there, but generally for most people, life ticks along in a predictable way.

So one of the patterns that I noticed in myself was the way specific way that I would act when possessing or owning something that I absolutely loved and cherished. And then the nastiness within myself that would ensue when that ownership was threatened by another person.

The pattern I noticed was first started out by getting a positive feeling in 'owning' a particular object. And this usually happens to most people when they go to the mall, and see something they like, and just have to get it. What I realize, is that within that positive feeling, I have mistakenly 'full-filled' myself and believed that I am not better off for having this object, and in a way I have created a self-definition based on the ownership of the product. Having it in 'my possession' and having access to it exclusively whenever I want somehow can create this warm full-filled feeling.

Then comes the threatening of it being taken away. If somebody came along and asked to borrow this cherished object, right after you just bought it, there is always some form of hesitation and resistance to that I notice. Whether its a new cell phone, new car, or anything that you have defined as being 'valuable', fear automatically will come up. And why? ...Because we do not trust most people to take care of our possession. It's a fear of loss essentially, and usually that fear of loss is more powerful than actual common sense. In other words we automatically think 'the worst' will happen. What if this? Or what if that happens? And we are unwilling to take the chance, even though the odds are extremely low that something would happen. And because of that, we make the agreement with each other, that I will have my own, and you will have your own. And the end result of nobody trusting each other, is a whole lot of redundancy.

I see this redundancy in everyday life, with things like door-locks and even a lot of work positions at my company. We hire contract analysts to get better deals on products and services from sellers, because we don't trust that we will always get the best price from them. From past experiences, I see this is true with contractors that take advantage of situations if not held accountable. And so the employee, adds the role of 'vigilante' to protect the company's interests, which are profit of course. If we are able to stop the siphoning of money from the company, or even improve upon the siphoning of money from others, we are considered valuable. That is how our value is assessed.

I act the same way as my company in that I am always trying to stretch my dollar and protect my money so that I can have more for less. And this self-interest is the root of the breakdown of trust and why we accept every redundancy like a door-lock to protect the things that we believe are rightfully ours, when in the beginning they originally came freely from the earth and are made of the same substance as our own bodies. The trust will only be restored, when stop the value of ourselves in what we apparently own, and instead start valuing life before it dries up.

There is a group that is taking on this epidemic of self-interest and can support a person to seeing their true potential as life here, so if you're interested in discovering who you actually are, what are the reasons you are here and why do you do the things you do, click here.

Day 51 - Imagining Hollywood and the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (Part 3)

backstage behind the hollywood sign its not so glamorous

For context check out.

Day 49 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Day 50 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (part 2)

This blog will be dedicated to self-corrective and self-commitment statements to be walked from here forward until a world that is best for all has been created.

When and as I see myself start to go into imaginations of Hollywood and what it would be like - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that by going into glitzy imaginations of Hollywood, I am in fact masking the actual reality of both Hollywood and the world around me, through the mind, and am thus contributing to the epidemic of abuse towards those struggling with hunger, through apathy and distraction. I see/realize/understand that by going into imaginations, I am in fact choosing to turn away from reality here and a part of myself that exists, yet don't want to face. I see/realize/understand that my imaginations of Hollywood are not what Hollywood is actually like, and have only created these images through past portrayals of Hollywood in movies that are not in fact based on actuality,and are portrayed in such a specific glamorous way to cater to the imaginations of those this wished to be fueled to escape reality and the responsibility that comes with it. I see/realize/understand that movie and television studios have a vested interest in which parts of Hollywood are portrayed and how, and so may not in fact show the true nature of what Hollywood is, because it doesn't align with bringing in profits.  I commit myself to stop any imaginations of Hollywood and the glamorous/sexy lifestyle I imagine it to be. I commit myself to focus on what is here as reality and take the time that would have been spent fueling the imagination of the mind and do something that is best for all, such as writing myself to freedom or participating in the Living Income Guaranteed group or doing something that is practically needed in my life. I commit myself to stop the belief of what Hollywood actually is, based on the limited amount of images that I am able to see, in the realization that a movie and television studios have a vested interest in preventing people from stepping back stage, in order to convince the average person to believe something is more glamorous than what it actually is.

When and as I see myself moving to fuel the imaginations I have of Hollywood by surfing the web or channel flipping trying to find shows or read stories of the rich and famous - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that every moment I fuel the mind and its imagination, is an abdication of self as I am giving into an addiction of seeing that which is apparently beautiful and sexy. I see/realize/understand that the fueling of the imaginations through addictively feeding the mind with scanadalous and glamorous stories build on the ever increasing consequence by keeping myself apathetic to the slow self-destruction of my own life and that of the life of others. I commit myself to make the decision in the moment to stop fueling the imagination of what a lifestyle is like to live, through a picture representation of it, and instead do what is best in the moment until a world that is best for all has been created. I commit myself to stop channel or web surfing looking for the lifestyles of the rich and famous, and move as the self-directed principle in what is best for all.   I commit myself to stop participation in the Hollywood fantasy and instead place my focus on what is here in the moment in what is practical.

Day 50 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (Part 2)

For context check out.

Day 49 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (Part 1)

So what did I find in my experiment of reading about Hollywood for 20 minutes, then switching to starvation and poverty for 20 minutes. Time moved a lot slower when looking at websites talking about poverty / slavery.

What was interesting is that I found out that undernourishment is somewhat of a common thing in the world. A person has a 1 in 8 chance (12.5%) of being born into a situation where they are not getting enough nutrients, which is staggering to me. It seems to me that there are a lot of people in this world that are suffering to some extent with a lack of food. Now here's the kicker - in the same breath, there is apparently more than enough food for everyone, which begs the question: How is undernourishment even a 'thing', let alone having 1 in 8 people suffering because of it? Somehow, someway there is a large chunk of food that is not being properly distributed to certain parts of the world. So why not? These are the questions I will get to the bottom of and may even relate back to Hollywood and the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

As I look at it I ask: do you think that for a moment, that if you were starving, you would be watching anything Hollywood? Maybe, but I don't think so. I think you have bigger fish to fry at that point. Like feeding yourself and your family probably. If you can't afford food, how can you afford cable.

Really, it is only those that can afford the luxury of buying magazines and T.V.'s that can spend time soaking in Hollywood. And those that can afford these kind of entertainment toys, are sometimes the only lifelines of that 1 out 8 that is undernourished. And the other 7 know that the 8th is starving, but they don't want to do anything about it, because that would take away from dreaming about hollywood and being entertained. They say 'I'm busy, I'm being entertained right now, and I don't want to miss my show'. Being entertained is the easiest out, for not having to face a glaring problem that is happening all over the world.

The world is sick, and that's not something that anybody wants to face. Nobody wants reality because it doesn't give them a good feeling. How long can you go living in a dream world, until you're forced to come back down to reality? Probably until the point that it's too late. Because at that point, it's all over, and anything that was real in reality, had all been destroyed, and so you remain with what's left. Which is an exact reflection of yourself, and when you see that everything was destroyed, you'll know that you actually destroyed your own self through self-interest.

So with that said:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality into imaginations of what Hollywood is like so that I would not have to face the reality of the world as it stands now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to support Hollywood and the glitz and glamour it brings, so that I could from time to time escape from reality in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for what has manifested on this earth, where 1 in 8 people are undernourished through the improper distribution of food.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate why it is that food is not being properly distributed to those that need it most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed it as acceptable, and 'just the way it is' that 1 in 8 people are undernourished, while there is enough food to everyone in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the issue of undernourished people in the world is too difficult to support and that I should just maintain the status quo.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my own apathy towards this issue is the actual reason that it exists as it does today.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be 'hopeless' that anything can actually change, and within this give up, thus making undernourishment in this world a dead certainty.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the only way that world hunger will ever be solved is through an active continuous participation of self-movement by all individuals standing together, and if I don't move, why should anyone else move too.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to make it a first priority in my life that every person that is undernourished be nourished to maximum health like I would want for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid groups that try to make a difference, because I see that it may mean that I will have to actually put in an effort, which means that I won't be escaping into Hollywood anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my own self-interest to dictate my life, instead of accepting and allowing myself to honour all life as I would myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by petty issues in my day to day life, when there is undernourished people that are consumed by hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time dreaming about a more luxurious lifestyle, instead of taking that time to contribute to a change for this world.

Day 49 - IMAGINATIONS of the Hollywood Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

I've never actually been to Hollywood before, but I find myself completely CAPTIV-ated by the place. Hollywood hills in particular and the imaginations I have of it. Whenever I think about it, I go to a place in my mind that seems magical somehow. I want to be there and live there forever. It has an allure, an attraction that I can't quite place. Beautiful people, houses, views, weather, pools, sprawling mansions on mountain tops. The sexiest place in the world.

It's the main home of many hollywood stars as it sits atop a mountain above the largest movie studios in the world, that bring in billions and billions of dollars every year through producing attractive things. They are in the business of making pictures for people to like.

It's strange how I can just so easily go into my imagination and start creating my own alternate reality. And I could do it for hours too. I saw myself looking up where Oprah's home is, where Michael Jackson's house is, and in the process, I start going down the road of looking at actors and actresses and finding out about their juicy personal lives. Mostly what I am gravitated towards is how they have issues and drug problems. And you don't read about regular stuff, like how they took a dump and saw some carrots in it. They are portrayed as 'special' people that don't poo, because 'special' people are only beautiful and talented or on the opposite end, washed up with drug problems. I seem to get sucked in easily to stories where beautiful and talented turn into a heroin addicts. Such a juicy celebrity gossip story.

Going back to 'the hills' though, I see my own fascination with this apparently beautiful place and trying to find and focus on 'the best of the best'. I was literally searching around google earth, trying to pinpoint the absolute best houses with the best views, almost as if to feed my imagination and get closer there. Did it change my reality at all? No, so then what did it do? Well, it made me ignore my own life. It made my own life seem boring and actually a bit sad and depressing. So much greater to let my imagination run wild. Except there's one problem. - I can't escape reality, and so by allowing these imaginations to continue I set myself up for an even harder fall when I snap back to reality. It tells me that feeding my imagination is like taking a drug. Somehow its producing these 'feelings' within myself that are unsustainable and that will create consequences.

The interesting thing is that not only will it create consequences within my own body, but will stretch to my world reality. Because by being so consumed within fantasy and then consumed with the consequences to myself within this fantasy, I basically abdicate my ability to make any sort of change in this world as a whole. By being so wrapped up in myself, I am unable to see beyond the veil, to what's behind the facade of Hollywood or the entire world system that we live in today. There's obviously abuse going on where people are being taken advantage of. All of these 'things' that are somehow a 'thing' in reality like corruption, genocide, poverty, hunger, human trafficking, war, murder are allowed to exist and then I allow myself to basically tune it all out by going deep into my HAPPY world, where none of it exists.

Here's something you can try at home? First go into Google and type in Hollywood. Let your imagination go wild on the subject for 20 minutes. Imagine the stars and the lifestyles of the rich and famous and all of the great things they get to do. Then stop. It might be hard to do, but try your best. Then start searching world poverty and try and let your imagination 'go wild' on that subject for 20 minutes. See how long you last. I'm going to try it myself to see what happens, and if I can actually do it. I'm interested to see what happens.