Day 54 - Character Development through positive re-enforcement

For context, please refer to:

 Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have designed my personalities throughout my life to be a somebody or to be noticed, to get attention from others in a positive way in order to feel special that I was acknowledged.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within this desire of acknowledgment from others in a positive light, I am showing to myself that I actually exist in a form of lack in believing I'm a 'nobody' if I don't positive re-enforcement from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far for positive re-enfocement that I would need it, like a drug, after not having it for a certain amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my happiness and well-being within how much positive re-enforcement I get from others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I shape my personalities in certain ways in order to get positive re-enforcement from specific individuals, hand selected by me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how I hand select those specific individuals I look to get positive re-enforcement from.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the individuals that I choose to get positive re-enforcement from, are those that I judge to have more value than others within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself from those that I choose to seek positive re-enforcement from, judging them as more than and special as compared to other people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in separating myself from those that I seek positive re-enforcement from, I am in fact not having an actual relationship with them and am only 'acting' in certain ways out of fear that I will be seen as 'a nobody' and therefore will not have any value as I place my value within the way that 'I believe' others see me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is really no way I can actually know how another sees me unless I was completely in their shoes, and thus my perception or reality as to how they see me, matters not because its only a wild guess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself with how I believe another person sees me, and if they judge me as more than, or less than.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the way 'I believe' another sees me and judges me, is based solely on how I see other people and judge them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I judge another as more than or less than, I am actually placing judgment on myself, and ultimately separating myself from them, and other people that 'I believe' are judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that 'don't follow the rules, and don't care' as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'facing conflict with an enforcer, for not following the rules', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go int fear, guilt or shame of breaking rules, I am actually creating conflict within myself, thus the manifested conflict in the physical ensues.