Day 56 - Asking for a Raise

In talking to my Human Resources Consultant at my company, I found out that I may actually be due for a promotion at my company, based on their guidelines that they provide for managers and leaders.  I was told though, to speak with my leader and talk to him about this.

Immediately, I went into fear about having to ask my boss for a raise.  In a way, I was scared that I would be 'rocking the boat' or appearing to greedy and 'less of a team player' for asking for more compensation.  So then, as if automatically, I started going into my head, and playing out a fake conversation with my boss, almost trying to prepare a long winded speech of how I have such and such experience, and such and such education, blah blah blah etc. etc... Is this the most effective way to prepare for a promotion?  Really, its just a matter of communicating with my boss in the moment and as just another person that I work with.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into internal conversations of 'asking my boss for a raise and subsequent career development' within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I have internal conversations within my mind, it shows to me that I in fact am generating internal conversations through a starting point of fear, as if I don't trust myself be able to effectively communicate with my manager in the moment and so must prepare in the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that communicating with my boss from the starting point of fear and accepting and allowing automated internal conversations that I'm not directing, shows to me the separation I have from my boss in the physical and therefore will ultimately not be able to communicate effectively with my boss when the time comes to actually do it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that unless I communicate with my boss practically in the physical, free of fear, he will not be able to hear me, and will thus not be able to support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fearing of talking openly to my boss is 'normal', instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that an equal and one relationship with solid communication here in the physical, free from any fear, expressing myself as who I am, is ACTUALLY NORMAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'being in fear during a meeting with my boss, and then being rejected or dismissed by him as 'not valuable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'being in fear during a meeting with my boss, and then being rejected or dismissed by him as 'not valuable', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'not pleasing my boss, and then him developing a negative impression towards me, preventing me from any chance of getting any promotions'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'not pleasing my boss, and then him developing a negative impression towards me, preventing me from any chance of getting any promotions' and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'greedy' for asking my boss for a promotion, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that if I don't ever have this discussion with my boss, I will not get any understanding as to whether or not a promotion is possible.

I commit myself to stop all internal conversations with my boss when I see them come up in the moment, and instead communicate with my boss in the physical as the expression of who I am.

I commit myself to stop any projections of ideas, imaginations and backchat related towards any meetings and encounters with my boss.

I commit myself to stop and breathe through any fears and anxieties that I may have in relation to thoughts of talking to my boss, and realize just where exactly I am in the particular moment, moving myself back to reality.

I commit myself to ask myself the question, through writing, of why I am asking certain things from my boss, to discover my own intentions and whether or not they are reasonable, so that I can come prepared in honesty to answer these questions of intention back to my boss, to help give him the perspective from my shoes.

Update (March 22nd - 2014):  I stopped the internal conversations when they came up, stopped the imaginations of what it would be like, and asked myself what my intentions were, and if it was reasonable for me to even ask for a raise.  

The next day, I walked into my boss's office, and had much resistance to asking the question outright.  But I did it anyway with as much stability as I could muster.  I was prepared to go into  a long winded spiel of why I deserved a raise, and to my surprise, he looked very intently into my eyes and after a few long seconds simply said 'I have no objections to that'.   I found it very hard to restrain from going into my spiel anyway, but stopped myself.  He said okay.  I said 'Thank-you' and walked out.  It was a good conversation.