Day 23 - Finding the compass to yourself through a co-worker (Part 2)

When and as I see myself go into judgment of another co-worker, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I judge another, such as my co-worker, I am in fact judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I see/realize/understand that my co-worker is offering a mirror image of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and an opportunity now exists to see myself as who I have become.  I commit myself to reflect self back to self through what I see in my co-worker.  I commit myself to stop the continued judgment of any co-worker, and to find those moments where I have in fact done the same as them, so that I can equalize myself with them and change to what is best for all.

When and as I see myself go into fear of offending a co-worker for cutting a conversation short, because I have another engagement. – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that if someone cut off a conversation to go to a previously scheduled engagement, I would completely understand, and respect the person for keeping that commitment.  I see/realize/understand that the completion of a conversation can always be re-scheduled at a later time.  I see/realize/understand that it is important to be on time for any prior engagement. – I commit myself to place myself in the shoes of my co-worker and assess the timeliness of cutting off the conversation.  I commit myself to consider those that I have a previous engagement with and ask myself whether or not it makes sense to be late for that meeting, and if so, explain why to them.  I commit myself to re-schedule the conversation and meet my commitments to the prior engagement.  I commit myself to support myself to stop any fear of cutting the conversation short with my co-worker.

When and as I see myself go into frustration towards another co-worker, when it seems like I have no choice in the matter, and it is messing up my plans – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that in going into frustration, I am in fact showing myself where I am being self-dishonest and not taking responsibility for the situation that I see myself in.  I see/realize/understand that in those moments I am showing myself that I have accepted and allowed separation within myself and there is an underlying fear that I have not yet seen. – I commit myself to support myself to stop the frustration and any projection of anger to another, in the realization that I am battling with my own internal conflict of separation.  I commit myself to investigate the source of my self-dishonesty, so that I may find the underlying fear and forgive myself for accepting and allowing it, and in turn move forward clear and self-directed.  I commit myself to treat another co-worker or anyone else in this world for that matter, as I would like to be treated.  I commit myself to in moments of frustration, stop, take a deep breath, ask myself how I would like to be treated, and then move forward based on the answer to my question.   I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the time it takes to stop, take a breath, and ask myself how I would like to be treated, is less than the time I would spend going in circles arguing with another person and being consumed by frustrated energy.

Day 22 - Finding a compass to yourself through a co-worker

I judged a few people today.

My co-worker seems like he just loves to hear himself talk.  We just go around and around with the same issue.  He doesn’t have any consideration of me and whether or not the information that he is telling to me is of any value to me or even a waste of my time.  I’ve got more important stuff to deal with.  How can he not have this consideration for me.  He must be less than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging my Co-worker as less than, I am actually separating myself from a part of myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my Co-worker and the things that I judge him for, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that all of the things that I see in my Co-worker, are actually a reflection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame on my Co-worker for making me feel a certain way instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am in fact responsible for the way that I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my Co-worker as less than for appearing to not have diplomatic skills in the way to talk to a person with tact, such as leaving emotion off the table, not talking in circles and understanding what it is that I want from the conversation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I judge my co-worker as less than, I am in fact judging myself as less than, because I have acted in the same manner in being emotional, talking in circles and not coming to solutions, and not considering what another person wants to understand or wants from a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated, after I realized that my conversation with my co-worker lasted an hour and I was late for my next meeting.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am in fact responsible for being late to my next meeting, and being frustrated shows the self-dishonesty within myself in not being the self-directive principle.  Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the moment I could have just as easily said to my co-worker ‘I have another meeting, we can resolve this later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be late for another appointment because I feared that my co-worker would be offended if I cut the conversation short without the conversation coming to a ‘natural’ close where both of us felt like we said our ‘piece’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘offending my co-worker, by cutting the conversation short before the conversation came to a ‘natural’ closing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘offending my co-worker, by cutting the conversation short before it seemed to come to a ’natural’ closing, and the negative emotion of fear.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my co-worker would actually get offended if I told him that I had a prior commitment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my co-worker, to see/realize/understand that I wouldn’t be offended if another had a prior engagement.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I would probably be more offended if somebody was late to a pre-planned appointment because they didn’t cut the call short and continue it another time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘cutting a conversation short, and leaving it unfinished to pick up again another time’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘cutting a conversation short, and leaving it unfinished to pick up again another time’, and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Day 21 - Fear of looking stupid at work (Part 2)

When and as I see myself to go into judgment of another that I work with as more than or less than based on the position that I define them in (how much cash they have in their pocket) – I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I judge another as more than or less than based on how I see their position in relation to my own on the corporate ladder, I am in fact placing a limiting definition on them, and at the same time placing limiting definitions on myself and ultimately locking myself into a state of complete denial to life as I only value money at this point and the abuse that it can help propagate.  I see/realize/understand that through defining value and worth of someone based on their position or ‘what they can do for me’, I confirm that I am fully automated and conditioned to only value those that I see can serve my self-interest, which is why those that I see as ‘low on the totem pole’ I value as less than and am not in such fear.   I see/realize/understand that I get scared of talking to those that I see are in more influential positions because I fear that I won’t climb the corporate ladder unless I impress them, and I fear not impressing my superiors or fear my superiors thinking that I am not of value to the company.  I see/realize/understand that I am equal to all of the thoughts/opinions/judgments towards others and when I judge and separate myself from them, I am in fact placing judgment on myself.– I commit myself to stop the judgement of another based on where I see their ‘height’ on the corporate ladder through stopping thoughts towards others in a moment and actually listening and really understanding what they have to say, no matter their position in this system.  I commit myself to investigate all of the ways that I deceive myself into believing that I am ‘better than’ or ‘less than’ another to eventually equalize myself within them in equality and oneness.  I commit myself to treat all others as I would like to be treated and fully consider them to support them and myself as best as possible.  I commit myself to investigate all fears that I have towards my ‘superiors’ and eventually equalize myself with them, to treat them as I would like to be treated, and not as a commodity to help me climb the corporate ladder to become ‘special’.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of another thinking that I am stupid, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am – I see/realize/understand that if I don’t get clarification on something such as the definition they give to a word or an acronym, I open the door for mistakes and inefficient use of time through miscommunications.  I see/realize/understand that to fully work together with someone and realize the full potential is to walk with a person on the same page.  I see/realize/understand that those to seek to understand another will also be understood and be heard in the end.  I see/realize/understand that the other person would most likely not believe that I was stupid and would in fact appreciate the engagement I was showing in what they were saying by seeking clarification to be on the same page.  – I commit myself to seek to understand another and get clarification on a definition or acronym that I don’t understand.  I commit myself to fully engage with another when they are speaking to me, with the full intent of understanding them and walking with them on the same page here in the moment.

Day 20 - Fear of looking stupid at work

 

I had a dream last night where I was in these meetings for some sort of project that was taking place.  And I was very eager to start talking to a few of the people about the project to get details, but when they would speak to me, it was like I wasn’t fully comprehending what they were saying, partly because they were using words that I had not heard before.  It was like I was trying to interpret in my mind these words that I had not heard before, and as I was doing that, I was missing out on the other parts of what they were saying.  I didn’t fully have the language understood, so the communication was not going entirely smooth.  Within this, I started getting confused and concerned that I wasn’t understanding, because it was part of the job I had been assigned to do.  I first thought ‘Maybe I don’t understand these words, because these people are from a different city than I, and they just use different names for the same things’, then I thought ‘maybe I am just really inexperienced and shouldn’t be in this role’. 

With the one guy I was speaking to, I just nodded my head, and pretended like I was fully understanding him, even though I wasn’t.  I didn’t want to make him think I was ‘wasting his time’ because I saw him as important.  This has happened to me in my job when talking to certain experts, when certain things that they say I just don’t comprehend.  And I don’t try to clarify most of the time, because I don’t want to sound stupid to them.  The thing is that, I won’t learn the definitions that they place on these words if I don’t ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are more knowledgeable in a particular ‘profitable’ field and are able to articulate a broad range of ‘profitable’ knowledge and information quite fluently, as more than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another that is able to articulate a broad range of knowledge and information beyond my level of understanding, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them by understanding the language and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I ask a question to someone I see as ‘higher up’ in the corporate ladder, clarifying what they understands a certain word to mean, they will get mad and this will solidify my inferiority.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if don’t ever get clarification from another as to what they are intending to communicate, then there may be miscommunication, which could lead to other consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am solidifying my position as less than, when I am getting clarification from someone I judge as more than, what a certain word or acronym means, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I have already established and solidified my own inferiority through previously separating myself from the other as more than, and asking a question at this point, does not solidify it any further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those ‘higher on the corporate ladder’ that I admire and respect, as more than, instead of accepting and allowing myself to equalize myself with them, by being the living expression of the qualities that I admire within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a person as more than, if they are in a job position that is rare, like the CEO or Vice President.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that are in job positions that are privy to specific information that describes the health of the company as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those as more than, that are in positions within the company that are privy to specific new policies that haven’t been rolled out to the rest of the company.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everyone in a company has a specific skill set and function that is required to make the entire company run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see those that have greater influence into the operation of the company, as more than, kind of like I see the mind at the moment, where if the mind were to quit then the functioning of the body would quit, when in actuality, if the CEO were to quit, the company could still exist, as everyone would continue on practically doing their function.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the function of the CEO’s and board of directors is similiar to the mind, where they function in directing the company in that which is in the self-interest of the company, and ultimately the shareholders, not taking into consideration what is best for the company as the stake-holders, which include those that live within the environment that is impacted or the actual employees that contribute to the functioning of the employee.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that most all companies act in the best interest of the shareholders, and that the board of directors and CEO, will act in the best interest of the shareholders before the stake-holders, which shows how the power and influence of money as the shareholders currently reign over that which is life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that money is the dictator of the actions of all that work for a company, instead of integrity for life. 

Day 19 - Escaping through video games (Part 2)

(For context, refer to Day 18 - Escaping through video games (part 1)http://corporatemercenarylife.blogspot.ca/2013/11/day-18-escaping-through-video-games.html#.UoOEWCdstAI

When and as I see myself go into guilt/regret for playing hours and hours of video games, as I feel like I have ‘fallen’, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that the past is the past, and if I make the present about the past, I am not really living here and am once again losing myself to the mind.  I see/realize/understand that I can’t change the past and can only move myself here as the present in what is best for all  I see/realize/understand that by continuing the cycle of guilt and regret, I solidify patterns within myself that ultimately create consequences.  – I commit myself to stop any guilt/regret for playing video games and apparently ‘wasting time’, and move here in the moment in the realization that by dwelling on the past, I take away from the opportunity here in the present to do what is best for all.

When and I see myself go into judgment of another for playing video games for more than a couple of hours straight, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that when I judge another playing many hours of video games, I am in fact judging myself.  I see/realize/understand that I have also played video games for hours on end.- I commit myself to support another that is playing hours and hours of video games, as I would myself.  I commit myself to stop judging playing video games as something inferior to do, as a waste of time, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that judgment of anothers way and ultimately accepting and allowing separation from another is the most abusive use of time.  I commit myself to support myself to stop the judgment of another that plays hours and hours of videogames.

When and as I see myself move to play a video game because of a hidden urge/pulling towards it, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. – I see/realize/understand that by following this urge/pull towards playing a video game, I am abdicating my own self-directive principle and have already come to the point of being a perfect mind-slave that moves purely through mind-made impulses.  I see/realize/understand that the more that I practice walking through the urges and remaining in the physical, the more I will give myself the opportunity to be the self-directive principle. – I commit myself to support myself to move past the thoughts/imaginations and urges to play video games.  I commit myself to play video games from the starting point of making a decision as myself here in the physical.

Day 18 - Escaping through video games

 

It has always felt like I am addicted to the things that allow me to escape from reality.  These days it’s the game ‘Candy Crush’ that takes me away for hours.  I just want to get to the next level and to move through the game so that I can get to the end.  Like a constant pushing, and if I ask myself why I want to push through, it’s like there is no answer.  It’s just to ‘beat the level’ and the faster I move through the levels, the more comfortable it feels.  If I get stuck on a level, and I am not playing the game, my thought goes right to it, and I imagine opening up the program and playing it.  Within this thought it is a subtle comfortable feeling that compels me to do exactly what I imagine myself doing.

In the past it was the same thing with other video games.  Constantly playing, and while my physical body barely moved, with just a few eye movements and controlled twitches from my thumbs, I would play for hours and hours, constantly feeding my appetite for ‘winning’.  The more winning, and progressing through the levels I did, the better I felt.  With each level, I notice that there were always a couple of goals.  One was to obviously achieve the main goal of getting past the level with enough points; and then the secondary goal was to try to achieve a certain amount of points, which would give you stars.  These stars are what I always would try to strive for as well.  It wasn’t enough to simply do the minimum.  Getting extra stars always made me feel that much more special.  It gave me a sense of superior accomplishment.  And I somewhat took pride in this.

I am somewhat embarrassed about spending hours and hours playing a game, and feel that I miss out on other things I could have done, like spending time with family/friends, or taking the dogs for a walk, or doing process.  And there is even some guilt in playing these games and not doing all that I can do for myself in what is best for all.

I remember my former roommate would spend hours and hours on a weekend trying to beat a game, and I would judge him for it.  I would think, ‘look at him – he spends all week working just so that he can escape into a videogame on the weekend.  He sits there inside on the couch when it is beautiful outside.  He misses out on life – and for that he is less than.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my former roommate is missing out ‘on life’ by playing video games all weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as less than, those that spend hours and hours playing video games all of the time, in the belief that ‘they are missing out on life’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as inferior for playing video games, I am actually judging a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in judging another as less than, for playing video games for hours and hours, shows that I act in fear and separation and am therefore not life at all, and am only directed within it through the force of self-interested fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I ‘don’t play video-games’ out of fear of missing out on life, I am in fact moving out of fear, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle in what is best for all as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination of opening up the program and playing video games, instead of accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directed principle and decide for myself when I play video games and for how long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I play video games for not doing other things that I think that I should be doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve into video games when I want to avoid responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my life would be like if I followed through on my responsibilities all of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that carrying out responsibilities is not actually that bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘having a negative experience if I followed through on my responsibilities’, and the negative emotion of fear.  Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I carry out my responsibilities, they do not ever give me a negative experience, and can be quite enjoyable.