Day 53 - Character development through trying to be special

In the past, I have always wanted to be special, ever since I can remember. Whether it was having some kind of toy that nobody else had, or being the smartest kid at something, or having a talent that was better than another, those things that I saw that set me apart from other kids, are what drove me to do the things that I did.

And what was interesting is that there was a couple of times in school, where I changed schools and would try to redefine myself to the way that I saw the 'cool kids' at my previous school.

For example, in Grade 1-3, I was in a class that seemed to have a lot of 'trouble-makers'. Even though it was a catholic school, the kids in the class seemed to be extremely bad, at least compared to the next school I went to, where the kids seemed a bit more likely to play in a tamer way. At the catholic school, we would hit each other, and even had a rock fight where a kid was hit in the back of the head and had to get stitches. It was impressive. And I always felt that the 'baddest', most defiant, fearless kids were also the coolest.

So when I went to my new school in Grade 4, I decided that I would try to emulate the 'badness' so that I could separate myself from the other kids. And so, got into a lot of trouble. Most of the things that I did, was really about trying to push the boundaries and the teachers buttons. And it felt good. I showed the other kids that I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble and I felt like I got a lot of positive attention for that.

When I went to my next school in Grade 7-9, I was intent on carrying on this personality of being defiant and 'bad-ass' (in my mind), and what was interesting was that I found that there were way badder kids than myself, that would cross lines that I didn't even know existed. It was like a huge step up, and one that I was not willing to take. I learned that I had boundaries. So I had to adapt and started creating other personalities like being a class clown, and using my talents in sports and academics to get attention and acceptance. All of this again to set my self apart from others as someone special.

Now the pattern continues to this day, always trying to set my self apart from other people and be special or more than. Trying to be the best worker, constantly trying to strive towards being a boss, as being in that kind of position is unique and holds power. Now you will always have the 'last say', with your opinion mattering the most.