Day 3 - Shame and Supression of STD's

     

At one point I had Chlamydia and took medication for it.  I felt shame and sadness from loss of my apparent purity for that experience happening to me.  I don’t seem to suffer from any symptoms anymore, but haven’t been tested lately. My partner was tested recently, and she was cleared, so I assume I was clear too.  I will plan to get tested soon.  If I test positive for anything, I would feel dirty/used up and ‘less than’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the memory of having Chlamydia and the negative emotion of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed embarrassment in myself when discussing my experiences of having Chlamydia with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘my friends changing the way that they look at me to one of disgust and disrespect if they knew that I had Chlamydia once’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘my friends changing the way that they look at me to one of disgust and disrespect if they knew that I had Chlamydia at one point in time’, and the negative emotion of fear’, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my fear and embarrassment of bringing my experience with Chlamydia to awareness will only serve to suppress the issue further and create future consequences by preventing it from being understood and directed effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide a part of myself away, so that I could save face and give others the impression that they are less than me as an untouchable god that always lives the good life with no problems, so that I can feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own self-interest ahead of what is best for all using self-denial and suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and suppress the fact that I have had an STD before, so that I could deceive myself into believing that I was better than a group of people in the world that I had defined as less than for having an STD.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with the group of people that has STD’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself from someone that has had an STD or has an STD, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that person as and within and when I judge that person as less than I am in fact placing judgment on myself and creating fear and separation within myself, and thus the whole shit train that goes along with that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider another person that has an STD as equal to and one with me as another part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

When and as I see myself go into embarrassment in knowing that someone else knows that I had Chlamydia at one point in time, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I observe my physical and remain here.

I see/realize/understand that in going into embarrassment, I am actually fearing the thought of people changing the way that they judge me, and see/realize/understand that even if they did change the way that they view me, nothing would change in the physical and the moments experience would not be an experience of fear and separation if in the physical here.

I see/realize/understand that in going into embarrassment, I am actually fearing change within my world, and in that creating separation and more consequences.

I see/realize/understand that in acting in self-interest by hiding the fact that I have had Chlamydia through fear, I am trying to give off the impression that I am elite and better than others that also have STD’s, and I then I can say ‘I am better than that group of people with STD’s because I am denial that I have had those’.

I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with all in the world; those that have had an STD and those that haven’t, and the fact that I have had an STD is the outflow consequence that I have created upon myself through my own acceptances and allowances in this world.

I see/realize/understand that in remaining in fear and separation of not changing I will not change within myself and thus accept the separation.

I see/realize/understand that in remaining in the moment in the physical, I stop the separation and create the change in myself that contributes to a change in the world that is best for all.

I see/realize/understand that there are many others in the world that have also had this experience of having Chlamydia, and in accepting and allowing fear to exist, the topic remains repressed and thus creates more physical consequences through not bringing the point to awareness to be understood and directed effectively that is best for all.

I commit myself to support myself to stop the fear of change, and in fact change through bringing the awareness to the physical by focusing on my breathe and physical body.

I commit myself to bring an end to the separation within my world through supporting myself to change to what is best for all and stopping the embarrassment of once having Chlamydia.

I commit myself to do what I would do for myself as another and stand as a pillar of life through stopping the fear of bringing awareness to others of my own experience of sexually transmitted diseases to help understand and direct the point effectively for the benefit of all.

When and as I see myself go into judgment of another person with an STD, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment focused on the physical as the expression of who I am.

I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that person that I see has an STD, as they are a part of myself from my memory that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.

I see/realize/understand that I have also had Chlamydia once from poor decision making and have taken the consequences also, so can relate and understand that one has fallen into consequence just like I have in my past.