Day 45 - What is Anxiety (Part: Secrets to effective communication)

For Context Please refer to:

Day 41 - What is Anxiety (Part 1)

Day 42 - What is Anxiety (Part 2)

Day 43 - What is Anxiety (Part 3)

Day 44 - What is Anxiety (Part 4)

Self-commitment statements on stopping ways that I sabotage communication

 

When and I see myself go into an internal conversation within myself  - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. - I see/realize/understand that the internal conversation shows me that I am currently being directed by fear in separation as it is an outflow where I have abdicated self-responsibility and my self-directive principle to the mind, accepting and allowing the automatic playout as a spectator in the 'hope' that the actual conversation will go as per how the play-out went. I see/realize/understand that by accepting and allowing the play-out of the internal conversation to occur, I trick myself into believing that I have already had the conversation, and that I am on the same page as the other person that I will be talking too, and so when I do have the conversation and communicate with them afterward, it is more difficult because we have started off not on the same page. I see/realize/understand that the voice of the other within the internal conversation is created by my own bias perspective and is not an accurate reflection of the other person's perspective, and thus sends the internal conversation on a tangent that will not reflect reality. I see/realize/understand that I am equal to an one with the internal conversation, and when I see it played out in a manner of conflict, where I am arguing with the other person, it shows me that I am actually in conflict within myself as I am actually arguing with myself. Within this, I see/realize/understand, that when I am in conflict with myself, by the principles of as with / so without, I will end up in conflict in my outside world as well, when I speak to this other person for real in the physical. I see/realize/understand that internal conversations are a self-sabotaging complete waste of time that perpetuate conflict/fear/separation within myself, and ultimately conflict in my outer reality as well. I see/realize/understand that stopping internal conversations within myself and trusting myself to speak with the other person or person(s) in the physical is the most effective way to actually communicate with someone. - I commit myself to stop 'hoping' that a future conversation will go okay, by stopping internal conversation and giving back trust to myself to be able to effectively communicate with someone in the moment as the expression of who I am. I commit myself to stop the external conflict within my external world, through stopping the internal confict within myself by supporting myself to stop internal conversations played out as an extension of my own fear and internal conflict. I commit myself to stop arguing with myself in separation, and investigate the original fear that sparks this argument.

When and as I see myself go into fear of not being able to effectively communicate to others during a presentation I will have to give, or a meeting that I will have to facilitate. - I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. I see/realize/understand that fear is the only factor that inhibits me from actually communicating to others, as I see/realize/understand that when I am in fear, I jumble my words and can't express myself. I see/realize/understand that by going into the fear of not being able to effectively communicate with others and express myself as who I am, I actually create a self-fullfilling prophesy, where I manifest the experience of not being able to effectively communicate with others because I end up in fear and separation. I see/realize/understand that when I am not in fear, I am able to communicate very effectively in the moment as the expression of who I am, especially on a subject matter that I am very familiar with. - I commit myself to support myself to stop the self-fullfilling prophesy of not being able to communicate with others through the perpetuation of fear, and instead remain in the moment trusting myself that I will be able to express myself, without preparation in the moment as the physical expression of who I am.

Day 44 - What is Anxiety (Part 4: Secrets to effective communication)

For Context Please refer to:

Day 41 - What is Anxiety (Part 1)

Day 42 - What is Anxiety (Part 2)

Day 43 - What is Anxiety (Part 3)

Self-forgiveness on misplacing my trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace trust in something outside of myself such as 'hope' or relying on someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust in knowledge and being able to have an answer for everything, so that I give the impression that 'I know everything' and 'am a worthy and valuable person/employee'.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to handle all situations here in the moment in the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having internal conversations, within my own mind, where I am defending my opinion of something to those superior to me, is a productive thing to do that will help me be more prepared when communicating with those people, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that having internal conversations actually separates me further from the person that I will be speaking/communicating to, as I see/realize/understand that I will sometimes skip certain information and details when talking to a person, because I believe that we have both covered the topic within my internal conversation.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that internal conversations within myself are created out of a fear of 'not being prepared to defend myself', and 'not trusting myself to be able to communicate my perspective effectively' and then being criticized for that.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I participate in the internal conversations, I am actually living and perpetuating the fear that internal conversations were spawned from.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I fear the thought of 'not being prepared for all questions, and then looking like an idiot in front of those that I judge as superior to me', I will actually manifest that fear through an accumulation of that thought.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'not having an answer to a question from my boss, or not being able to explain my perspective effectively and then being criticized for it'.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'not having an answer to a question from my boss, or not being able to explain my perspective effectively enough for him to understand', and the negative emotion of fear. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my boss to see that he would prefer it if I was not in fear, and we could come to an understanding through discussion, instead of me being in fear, and not being able to come to an understanding.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am here stable in the moment, not in fear, I am able to effectively communicate with other people so that they see my perspective and then are able to communicate back.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am a great communicator when stable and here in the moment.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I support myself to stop internal conversations within myself, backchat, thoughts and anxiety before hand and trust that I will be able to communicate effectively in the moment, I am actually a great communicator.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in the moment to communicate effectively as the expression of who I am.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed internal conversations, thoughts, backchat, anxiety, fear to sabotage the physical communication that I do.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the best way to prepare for any type of physical communication, is to practice here in the physical free from thoughts.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that following the mind into back-chat, thoughts, internal conversation, anxiety is actually an abdication of my own self-direction, as I am now following the mind

Day 43 - What is Anxiety? (Part 3)

For Context Please refer to:

Day 41 - What is Anxiety (Part 1)

Day 42 - What is Anxiety (Part 2)

Self-Commitment Statements on inferiority

When and as I see myself go into anxiety, before a meeting or giving a presentation, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am. - I see/realize/understand that the anxiety is triggered, through creating an expectation of what the outcome will be.  I see/realize/understand that the anxiety is triggered through the fear of the future.  I see/realize/understand that when I accept and allow the fear of something, I am actually manifesting these fears into existence in separation as consequence.  I see/realize/understand that the anxiety is triggered through misplacing my trust in something outside of myself, such as hope or knowledge and information.  I see/realize/understand that when I trust myself here in the moment, I am able to effectively communicate and express myself.  I see/realize/understand that the anxiety is triggered through judging myself as inferior to others, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with all within my world, as they show a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I see/realize/understand that I am responsible for triggering the anxiety, and as such I can make the decision in the moment to not accept and allow it.  - I commit myself to use anxiety to show myself where I am still accepting and allowing separation in my world and to investigate the triggers, and release them through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.  I commit myself to support all others in my world that may experience anxiety, as I would like to be supported.  I commit myself to support myself to stop anxiety in the moment, by stopping and focusing on my breath and toes, until the  anxiety dissipates.  I commit myself to stop the expectations of the outcome in the realization that I barely ever am actually able to gauge the exact outcome of an event before it happens, and so creating an expectation is pointless.  I commit myself support myself to stop anxiety in the moment, by trusting myself in the moment here in the physical, in the realization, that when I am here in the moment, I am able to communicate to another effectively.  I commit myself to support myself to stop axiety in the moment, through stopping the fear of the future, in the realization that the fear of the future is not real, and when I am in fear of the future, I am participating in an alternate dimension in separation of myself.  I commit myself to support myself to stop anxiety through focusing on my breath here, in the realization that I am equal to and one with the thought of those that I judge as more than myself.

When and as I see myself go into the fear of being criticized and exposed by a manager / boss / colleague as having less knowledge because I perceive them to have more experience than me, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with that boss / manager / colleague as and within, and they are simply showing a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I see/realize/understand that there is an opportunity to learn from the manager / boss / colleague about my craft if I accept and allow myself to remain in the moment and observe and listen to them.  I see/realize/understand that my boss / manager / colleague is made of the same substance that I am, only they are organized in a slightly different manner.  I see/realize/understand that possession of knowledge and information is only temporary, as it dies when the mind dies, yet the physical is here eternally.  - I commit myself to support myself to stay here in the moment, by being here with breath, so that I may equalize myself with all those in my world that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I commit myself to take the opportunity to learn from my boss / colleague / manager by stopping any internal conversations / backchat / thoughts that may arise in the moment and instead remaining present here with them, free of judgment.  I commit myself to see/realize/ understand that in the interest of what is best for all, it is important that I equalize myself with all those in my world.

Day 42 - What is Anxiety (Part 2)

For Context Please refer to:

Day 41 - What is Anxiety (Part 1)

Self-forgiveness on anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to exist within myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that anxiety has always existed within myself, yet has simply only been triggered through my own self-dishonest self-interested fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get nervous and anxiety in the moment when I know that I have to conduct a presentation to those that I 'judge' as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety the moment I misplace my trust outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety the moment that I create an expectation of an outcome.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that nervousness and anxiety is triggered when I have judged myself as inferior, when I have misplaced my trust in something outside of myself like hope, and when I have an expectation of an outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into nervousness and anxiety in the moment, when I fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the physical through going into nervousness and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to exist within anxiety and it can't be stopped.

Self-Forgiveness inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must go into nervousness and anxiety when meeting with those that I see as having more experience than me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to be stable and here, when with those that I see as having more experience than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must 'prove myself' as worthy to those that I believe are more than me, because they have more experience and are apparently higher on the corporate ladder.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that those that I judge as superior were once less experienced in their line of work, just like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those that I see are older and have more experience than me, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that they are simply parts of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, and so their is actually nothing to fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am here and stable in the moment with those that are older and have more experience, I am actually within the process of equalization, as within our communication we come to a platform that we can all stand on equally.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I go into fear, I am actually sabotaging and preventing myself from equalizing with my fellow man that I see as being older and having more experience than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define superiority within how much experience one has.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that those that have more experience than me are simply performing their job function, and when they criticize/challenge me on a point, it is simply to get clarification and understanding on the particular topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'another criticizing or challenging my understanding of a certain topic, that may have more of an understanding of it than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'being criticized or challenged on my understanding of a certain topic by someone that may have more of an understanding of it than I do', and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when someone has the courage to challenge another on their understanding of a certain topic, they are in fact promoting more understanding of the topic to me and any others that may be around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another challenges me on a topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as more than, because he has more knowledge and information on a particular topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value another based on their knowledge a particular field of study, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that in the physical, we are all made of the same material.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain organizations of matter as more than, and some as being less than, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that every organization may be unique, although it doesn't change it's value or beauty.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my judgment of different organizations of matter being more than or less than, shows where my own self-interest lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and separate myself from certain organizations of matter, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this fear and separation of certain organizations of matter comes from within in my own self-created thoughts/ideas/beliefs/perceptions.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the process of equalization and bringing self back to self is through releasing thoughts / ideas / beliefs / perceptions through writing and self-forgiveness and living here in the moment in the physical without participation in such thoughts / ideas / beliefs / perceptions.

Self-forgiveness on misplacing my trust

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to handle all situations here in the moment in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust in knowledge and being able to have an answer for everything, so that I give the impression that 'I know everything' and 'am a worthy and valuable person/employee'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having internal conversations, within my own mind, where I am defending my opinion of something to those superior to me, is a productive thing to do that will help me be more prepared when communicating with those people.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that those internal conversations created and had out of a fear of 'not appearing to be prepared and looking like an idiot in front of those that I judge as superior'.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I participate in the internal conversations, I am actually living and perpetuating the fear that internal conversations were spawned from.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I fear the thought of 'not being prepared for all questions, and then looking like an idiot in front of those that I judge as superior to me', I will actually manifest that fear through an accumulation of that thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of 'not having an answer to a question from my boss, or not being able to explain my perspective effectively'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of 'not having an answer to a question from my boss, or not being able to explain my perspective effectively enough for him to understand', and the negative emotion of fear. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of my boss to see that he would prefer that I was not in fear, and didn't have an answer, instead of me being in fear, and blathering out an answer to his question that was not correct.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am here stable in the moment, not in fear, I am able to effectively communicate with other people so that they see my perspective.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am a great communicator when stable and here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in the moment to communicate effectively as the expression of who I am.

Day 41 – What is Anxiety? (Part 1)

I’d like to talk about anxiety. Today was another day of going through this anxiety. So what is it and where does it come from? Because to me, it seems totally pointless, and completely gets in the way of any living that one could potentially do. Worrying about this, or worrying about that, and it seems like it just comes out of nowhere, like a thought pops through, and all of a sudden I’m in anxiety. It really feels like a thorn in my side. It prevents me from living here.

So what is anxiety? It's something that always has existed within myself, just biding it’s time and waiting to emerge. I know this because I see that it doesn’t just magically pop out of thin air. The ingredients are there within me and in time it is just triggered. So on the surface, anxiety may seem like this pointless thing that exists as a thorn in your side, but I see it now as a guide or compass that can show me exactly where I am still accepting and allowing points of separation to exist within myself.

Because what anxiety shows me in myself is where I have judged myself, for example, as inferior and that I have misplaced my trust into something else that is outside of myself instead of just trusting myself as who I am. An example of this, would be like ‘believing you need to get drunk to talk to others’, or believing that you need to memorize exactly what to say in the presentation you’re giving to others, instead of trusting yourself that you will be able to express yourself effectively in the moment as who you are. Another cause of anxiety is in the anticipation of the outcome. Worrying about whether or not it will be good or bad, which I see is pointless, because I find that the outcome will be the same or have more consequence by worrying about it, so why worry? We worry because we don’t trust ourselves, and so it becomes a viscous cycle.

For example, in the last couple of days, anxiety has had a grip on me. The trigger in these cases were meetings that I thought ‘held importance’. I really wanted to impress upon some other people that I was a good enough employee to be on the team I was on and maybe ready for a promotion. The first meeting, I had to give a presentation and the people in the room consisted of people that I judge to be of more value than me, because they are my managers or managers from other departments and are higher up on the corporate ladder, so to speak. They have many more years of experience, so I judge myself automatically to be inferior to these people. I label these people as being more critical and more watchful of what I say, where as with someone that I see as having less knowledge, I can say something that may not be entirely accurate and it will slide by without a hint of criticism towards it. For those times, when I have seen another say something not entirely correct, I immediately challenge them on it and usually correct them as a their superior (ie. Put them in their place – back to their inferior level as I judge it). And I fear this criticism or correction from another person because I don’t want to be put back in my place. I don't want to be inferior to them.

So where I had misplaced my trust outside of myself, in this circumstance, instead of trusting myself, is through knowledge, and being able to defend my opinions from any criticism. I automatically through that I would be grilled for certain things, so I started having these fake internal conversations with myself and my boss's in my head on certain points. I didn't trust myself enough to just speak my perspective to help us all get to an understanding, I felt that I needed to go over it in my mind, which is kind of the dumbest thing to do , because you end up spending hours and hours practicing to be defensive most likely on topics that probably won't even come to the surface. These internal conversations, usually stem from fear, and when one is in fear, one can definitely not trust oneself.

Then comes the expectations of the outcome, where I only would see it as ‘Good’ if I feel that others are seeing me in a positive valuable light. Like ‘I respect this guy, because he seems smart and knowledgable’ or ‘I like him because he seems like a great asset to the company – he is special’. Because it would kill me if the presentation was terrible, and others were disappointed and thought that I wasted their time and didn’t see something special. Not only that, but if all of those managers thought that I sucked collectively, then I believe that next thing you know, I’m out on the curb without a job. Then what? And that’s what scares me. What the hell would I do? This is all that I know.

The strangest thing is that my biggest fear about doing presentations, is simply just going into fear and being judged for it, because I see that when I go into fear, I get light headed, I can’t think, the words just wont come out of your mouth. Like stage fright, you can just be frozen in time, and to me that is the scariest thing. I don’t like that feeling of fear and being that vulnerable to judgment, because going into that kind of fear, I feel opens the door for judgments from others of inferiority. I see it in myself when I judge others for not being ‘sharp’ or smart, and up until now, I didn’t actually consider that they may actually be smart, but just let fear and anxiety take over instead. So, it’s ironic that having a fear for not appearing to be smart (even though you may be smart), can actually give the perception to others that you are not smart. What that is saying is that the fear is then actually manifested into the reality.

Day 40 - 'Must be the best' Character (part 3)

For context please refer to:  

Day 38 - 'Must be the best' character (Part 1)

 Day 39 - 'Must be the best' character (Part 2)

 

When and as I see myself go into the comparison of myself to another, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that I have an automatic tendency to go into comparison, because I have programmed this ‘habit’ within myself over time re-enforcing it as the apparent ‘who I am’.  I see/realize/understand that through standing in the self-directed principle in what is best for all, I can both challenge this program and ultimately delete it to live a life in what is best for all.  I see/realize/understand that when I go into comparison of myself to others, I automatically separate myself to that person and take myself away from what is really here.  I see/realize/understand that when I compare myself to another person in separation, I am actually comparing myself to a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, which is completely self-defeating.  I see/realize/understand that through this separation I open the door for a relegation of myself and others to a narrow limited definition of life that is actually abusive in nature.  I commit myself to support myself to stop any comparison that comes up in the moment, by first being aware of it and then stopping it wtihin myself through focusing on the physical breathe and touch.  I commit myself to support myself to see and keep track of all of the moments in a day where I do make comparisons of myself to another person, and then investigate these comparisons through writing/self-forgiveness/self-corrective application. 

When and as I see myself going into the judgment of another as less than or more than, because of their  apparent proficiency for the job that they do, I stop and I breathe, and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am, focusing on the physical and my breath.  I see/realize/understand that this valuing system of another person that I have created is based on the premise that life itself only has values unless it can serve my self-interests, which shows the currently accepted and allowed abusive programming of myself.  - I see/realize/understand that when I hold another or myself on a pedestal, I relegate the experience of myself to a very narrow picture representation of reality, that is not actually reality.  I see/realize/understand that when casting judgment on another, I am in fact casting judgment upon myself in separation of a part of myself.  I see/realize/understand that that what I see in others is a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I see/realize/understand that self-judgment is the most self-defeating / self-abusive things one can do to one-self.  I see/realize/understand that I contribute to the abuse in this world through my own abusive and detrimental judgments towards others.  I see/realize/understand that my definition of what it means to be ‘proficient at a job’ is only a narrow opinion, and does not take into consideration any physical practicality.  I see/realize/understand that new employees, that I judge as not proficient, are capable of doing a certain task or job at their utmost potential if given enough time to work at it. - I commit myself to support myself to stop the judgment of another in the moment through focusing on the physical breathe and touch to bring myself back to here in reality.  I commit myself to walk in the realization that I am equal to and one with another, and that they are a reflection of myself, showing me a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I commit myself to support myself to see and keep track of all of the moments in a day where I do make judgments of another person, to further investigate these judgments within myself through writing/self-forgiveness to eventually release the separation and abusive and walk and live that which is best for all eternally.  I commit myself to value all life as I would like to be valued myself in the realization that we are all equal and one within the physical of this planet.  

When and as I go into the fear of another ‘hating me’ because I don’t support an abusive system, I stop and I breathe and I remain in the moment as the expression of who I am.  I see/realize/understand that if I continually accept and allow any kind of fear, including the fear of someone hating me, I am accepting and allowing an abusive system within myself, which ultimately perpetuates an abusive system in my external world as well, so then I am in fact helping to support an abusive system.  I see/realize/understand that the only way to stop supporting an abusive system is to remove the abusive system within myself, which means to stop the acceptance and allowance of all fear/judgment/separation within myself.  I see/realize/understand that my interpretation of someone else apparently hating me for something shows the hatred that exists within myself as a part that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from.  I see/realize/understand that when I take this apparent hatred personally, I am in that moment abdicating my self-directed principle and given into the mind and thus contributing and supporting an abusive system.  I see/realize/understand that changing the current abusive system, entails standing in stability here in breathe for what is best for all unwaivering in the face of any apparent hatred, which is in fact the hatred that exists within ones self. – I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the hatred that I see, is  a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and that it must be faced to make any change that is best for all.  I commit myself to stand in the face apparent hatred of others in unwaivering stability, and to not ‘take it personally’ in the realization that it’s not personal and is just the systems way of protecting itself in self-interest.  I commit myself to stop the perpetuating the abusive system, through supporting myself to stop the fear of someone else apparently showing hatred towards me.  I commit myself to stand stable eternally as what is best for all in the face of any inner/outer resistance.

Day 39 - 'Must be the best' Character (Part 2)

For context please refer to:

Day 38 - 'Must be the best' character (Part 1)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with those that I work with, instead of accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am equal to and one with those that I work with, and when I compare myself to them, I am in fact separating a part of myself from myself.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and separate myself to that of my peers in the realization that when I judge my peers as less than, I am in fact placing judgment on a part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a former co-worker of mine as superior in separation, because I saw him as being very proficient at his job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the memory of my former co-worker and the way I judged his apparent proficiency in his job.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the proficiency simply came from gaining experience throughout time and putting in the time neccessary to understand the basics of how to proficiently do the job.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my peers are perfectly capable of being as or more proficient than I am at my job, with enough time placed into the process to get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the value of a person in how proficient they are at the job that they perform.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand why it is that I define the value of a certain person based on how proficient they are at their job.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I had defined value of a person based on their proficiency at a certain task, from a young age, through seeing the way that people respond to someone completing the task proficiently.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that people ultimately respond positively to those that can complete tasks proficiently, just as the gladiator was proficient at killing his opponent, so came the positive accolades and apparent valuing of him as more than.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have a belief that the only way I can be valuable is by being proficient at what I do for other people, so others will value me as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my own value within how I believe others view me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others view me as more valuable if I am proficient at my work or a certain task, that helps them complete their work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those that do not seem proficient at their work as less valuable, and therefore less than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘not pleasing someone’ because I am not proficient at the task I must do to support their work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘not pleasing someone because I am not proficient at the task that I must do to support their work’, and the negative emotion of fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought of ‘others hating me and seeing me as less than and a pile of dirt because I don’t support the current abusive unequal system structure or their beliefs of how a system should be structured to support ones self-interest’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘others hating me and seeing me as less than and a pile of dirt because I don’t support the current abusive unequal system structure or their beliefs of how a system should be structured to support ones self-interest’, and the negative emotion of fear. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually support an unequal and abusive system because it supported my self-interest, instead of accepting and allowing myself to stand here eternally within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of myself will be much better and more grand if I were to be promoted and come into a higher position of power.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if I look back throughout my life, I can see that getting higher and higher company positions and more responsibility doesn’t actually equate to a more grand and better experience of self.

I see/realize/understand that no matter what position that one take on, one still remain here eating, breathing, shitting, pissing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that ‘to be the boss’, the neccessary amount of time must be put in, otherwise it will be very difficult to lead and direct others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to learn from boss’s, through stopping comparison and judgment and living here in the moment, observing them.

Day 38 - 'Must be the best' character (Part 1)

One of the strange things I’ve noticed in myself is the pull towards trying to be the best in the group I am a part of at my company and wanting to be the leader, to be the boss, to be the most knowledgable, to be the most proficient, to be the most effective, to be the one that people look to as the best and most valuable (to the company). Like if working was a sport (which it is to a lot of people), I’d want to be the superstar of the team. And unless I saw someone that was completely out of my league in terms of apparent wisdom in my field, and they exuded a confidence that was far beyond what I was capable of, then and only then would I step aside and bow-down. But if its close and I can see faults in someone, I start playing the game of ‘got to be the best’.

The game is a combination of looking for weaknesses in others and judging them on it and Acting out in a way that I believe someone that ‘is the best’ would act. I’m not sure exactly where or how I formed my idea of what someone that is the best would act; possibly from TV/movies.

I do see that we are all working for the same end goal at our company, yet I feel the need to alienate myself from others sometimes by trying to be the best in the group, and by doing it in a very deceptive manner.

So now that I feel I am comfortable enough to call myself the best among my peers, my sights now shift to my boss(‘s). I say boss’s because I work in a very layered organization and have a few of them. My boss’s are very experienced and have been with the company for many years, yet I see that they have less relevant experience in the type of work that our group does. So automatically, I compare myself to them in this regard, and judge myself as better. Then I use meetings to ‘act out’ this ‘Got to be the best’ character by ‘showing-off’ my experience and speaking in a way that I believe ‘to be the best’. And I do this because I need others to believe it, for it to be apparently real to me. And I’m finding that there is a bit of resistance in convincing the boss’s that I’m the best. I see that we ‘butt heads’ sometimes and play these power games, which to me is completely pointless, because in the end we are all on the same team, striving for the same goal.

What’s interesting to see in writing this, is that a large portion of my motivation for working is to get promoted; to ascend through the ranks of the company, so that I can be the boss to more people. I want to be the boss, because the boss apparently gets to call the shots. Because then my ideas/opinions/beliefs/insights will be heard and be regarded as possibly legitimate, and through this I will be ‘important’ and valued. I’ve always believed that I am valuable and special, and if I were a boss, then this would be confirmed. Being the boss, in a sense is a type of validation.

The funny part is, that the character that I play in order to hide this deeper character of validation-power seeking on a path to proving self-worth is the total opposite, and he’s actually not a bad actor. He hides my character of insecurity and inferiority fairly well, so no one suspects my real motives and keeps an eye out. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I quietly move, waiting for opportunity and placing myself in a position where I can get to what I want, which is that promotion. I can’t be happy with anything less. I must progress in my life, I must be the boss, and it would kill me to have one of my peers to become my boss in the end.

In fact, it already happened (one of my peers did become my superior) and what did I do? Oh yah, I quit and went to a new company, where I could start over again. I must be the best.