Day 35 - Fear of uncomfortable situations

Today I crossed paths with a co-worker that I hadn’t seen since before the Christmas Holidays and I was geared up to go through the same monotonous routine that I had already gone through with other co-workers.  At some point in the conversation I thought ‘there’s something off about this man’, as if judging and pitying him.

 It all started when he stuck out his hand to shake mine.  It seemed a bit odd, in the moment to offer a handshake, but I politely obliged.  And as I was ready to leave the handshake, I noticed very subtly that he did not let go, and so I again politely obliged and didn’t let go either, and with this grip we started doing the Christmas Holidays talk.  It seemed like he was really excited about what I did over Christmas, and the whole time I was wondering ‘when the hell he’s going to start letting go of my hand’, in an almost fear.  The fact is that I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t want to shake his hand anymore, so I decided in the moment to pull away.  It was kind of awkward really, and I felt like I offended him, because as I pulled away, I watched my hind kind of twist and shrink to manoeuvre out of the grip, and his hand seemed to just want to hang on, but couldn’t.  

I wondered in the moment whether or not I offended him, and whether or not he noticed that I was uncomfortable about the whole hold in the shake.  It seemed like he was very reluctant to let go of this shake, and I immediately thought that was odd, and that it was a sign of weakness on his part. 

I started telling him about my very uneventful boring Christmas holiday hanging out with my dogs, and he just seemed to be so interested about everything that I was saying.  Asking me what kind of dogs I had, and how big they were, and the whole thing seemed just unnecessary.  Just not casual, and not comfortable.  His voice and the way he talks is strange to me to.  The way that he pronounces his words and the style in which he says things makes me slightly uncomfortable.  And I don’t know why.

Eventually, to top the entire experience off, he put is hand up in the air, showing me that he wanted to ‘give me five’.  And so again I obliged and again, it seemed like an awkward ‘five’ that he gave me, as the hand slap wasn’t’ very square, and we were just not in unison with it.  The timing was off.

And all I could think of in this moment is ‘there is something off about this man’.  And I was not comfortable about the whole encounter.  I thought it’s obviously that it’s not me, because I don’t have a problem like this with other people.  And really I just stick to the people that make me feel comfortable.  I actually hoped to avoid him again. 

One thing that I should mention is that he is from a completely different country, speaks a completely different first language and most likely grew up with different customs and culture.

Who am I to judge that he is ‘off’ or weird?  Maybe if I went to his native country and tried to live there, my customs and culture that I grew up with would show to them, and they would say the same to me.

I say all of this now after reflecting on it, however in the moment, all I could think about is how uncomfortable this felt, and that there is something wrong with him, as if to project some kind of label on him that because ‘I felt uncomfortable’, he must have made me feel this way and is thus weird.  I see that I am very quick to blame/label/define others in a negative way in a moment where I am not in my comfort zone.

What I see is that I am afraid of the unknown and what I don't understand.   I'm afraid of this other person that may not have the same social customs that I have, yet is still an expression.  The bottom line is that I am accepting and allowing a fear of another person's expression towards me that I'm not used to, and am reacting in a way that looks to blame this person, and place them lower than me because I think their weird.  The only thing is though, is that they're just like me.  They have two eyes, two feet to stand on, and we're also born from a mother in this world, and will at some point, just like me, die.  

Instead of resisting any future encounters of this person, could I not try to get to know him and his culture, so that I can understand what else in the world goes on, instead of being uncomfortable and shrinking back into my shell.

In the next blog I will apply self-forgiveness on this point.