One of the strange things I’ve noticed in myself is the pull towards trying to be the best in the group I am a part of at my company and wanting to be the leader, to be the boss, to be the most knowledgable, to be the most proficient, to be the most effective, to be the one that people look to as the best and most valuable (to the company). Like if working was a sport (which it is to a lot of people), I’d want to be the superstar of the team. And unless I saw someone that was completely out of my league in terms of apparent wisdom in my field, and they exuded a confidence that was far beyond what I was capable of, then and only then would I step aside and bow-down. But if its close and I can see faults in someone, I start playing the game of ‘got to be the best’.
The game is a combination of looking for weaknesses in others and judging them on it and Acting out in a way that I believe someone that ‘is the best’ would act. I’m not sure exactly where or how I formed my idea of what someone that is the best would act; possibly from TV/movies.
I do see that we are all working for the same end goal at our company, yet I feel the need to alienate myself from others sometimes by trying to be the best in the group, and by doing it in a very deceptive manner.
So now that I feel I am comfortable enough to call myself the best among my peers, my sights now shift to my boss(‘s). I say boss’s because I work in a very layered organization and have a few of them. My boss’s are very experienced and have been with the company for many years, yet I see that they have less relevant experience in the type of work that our group does. So automatically, I compare myself to them in this regard, and judge myself as better. Then I use meetings to ‘act out’ this ‘Got to be the best’ character by ‘showing-off’ my experience and speaking in a way that I believe ‘to be the best’. And I do this because I need others to believe it, for it to be apparently real to me. And I’m finding that there is a bit of resistance in convincing the boss’s that I’m the best. I see that we ‘butt heads’ sometimes and play these power games, which to me is completely pointless, because in the end we are all on the same team, striving for the same goal.
What’s interesting to see in writing this, is that a large portion of my motivation for working is to get promoted; to ascend through the ranks of the company, so that I can be the boss to more people. I want to be the boss, because the boss apparently gets to call the shots. Because then my ideas/opinions/beliefs/insights will be heard and be regarded as possibly legitimate, and through this I will be ‘important’ and valued. I’ve always believed that I am valuable and special, and if I were a boss, then this would be confirmed. Being the boss, in a sense is a type of validation.
The funny part is, that the character that I play in order to hide this deeper character of validation-power seeking on a path to proving self-worth is the total opposite, and he’s actually not a bad actor. He hides my character of insecurity and inferiority fairly well, so no one suspects my real motives and keeps an eye out. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, I quietly move, waiting for opportunity and placing myself in a position where I can get to what I want, which is that promotion. I can’t be happy with anything less. I must progress in my life, I must be the boss, and it would kill me to have one of my peers to become my boss in the end.
In fact, it already happened (one of my peers did become my superior) and what did I do? Oh yah, I quit and went to a new company, where I could start over again. I must be the best.
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